Mongol Rally Day 8/9 - Asia, Food Poisoning UPDATE

 just crossed the bosphorus we r in asia .. japs log"

The five intrepid explorers have crossed the Bosphorus and set tyre and foot into Asia where the difficulties appear to already have begun:

"lost bit of ground yesterday due to food poisoning but all good now and on  our way to Giresun"

I'm not sure who actually got the food poisoning but suspect by the structure of the text I received it was Jonny a man who, judging by his substantial girth, enjoys the impromptu bite to eat. The video gives you some idea of what Turkish delicacy Mr Devaney may have consumed.

This type of nourishment might become very welcome when they reach places like Kazakhstan and Mongolia as the Egon Ronay rated restaurant may be few and far between in the monotonous and featureless steppes. So it is suggested that when they come upon any road-kill for instance  perhaps an extinguished Mongolian Gerbil or if they're lucky an injured Pallas Sand-grouse they pick it up and stockpile in preparation  for leaner times ahead. Another idea that came to me is to set up a light outside the tent while they are camping. This will encourage moths which would serve as a "tasty" little nibble between the raw road-kill. Enough of this:

Food poisioning claims
first victim

"stayed here (where ?) the might (n) got woken up at 4am with the ole call for prayer"

also:

"Dai is in driving miss daisy mode 2 day and tell the primordial dwarf * I got through the b country ok...japs log

*(this is most likely a reference to one Mr Shorty Barnett a respected pillar of the community and local bar-fly in Leamington Spa)

UPDATE:

" the lads enjoying their kebabs at the motorway services, I'm on dry biscuits"
also:
" ended up here for the night drove to 4500ft over a mountain range,through a 4km tunnel and along most of Turkey's black sea coast all in one day "


 The map shows them in Giresun where soon it looks like they'll be heading South East and for the Iranian border.

Mongol Rally Day 7 - First Breakdown,Mr Castle,Turkey

Texts and updates galore today as the the lads, invigorated after the dip in the Black Sea, head for the Bopsphorus crossing where they will bestow their particular and unique brand of culture to the unsuspecting folk of Asia. No doubt their arrival will bring the relative opulence of European hotels to an abrupt end and instead will trigger the use of the tent. One updated stated :

"roughed it for a night at a brand new 4 star hotel : on the road for Istanbul in and hour if we can leave the hotel pool side".


 However they evidently managed to manoeuvre their substantial torsos and hit the road again:

" through our first big border point on the road to Istanbul baby!"


Sometime between the poolside in Bulgaria and Turkey they were confronted by an abominable apparition. The text received (Steve) by me this morning also shocked me to the core. The text said :

Cabby The Turk (right) with Inky Wilson taking a
break from his hectic modelling schedule.

" just drove by Cabby's twin brother".

The question of Mr Castles' roots  has always been a bone of contention with many who know him so this  sighting  points to the likelihood of Ottoman blood which fits in well with his swarthy appearance and the  monstrous appendage he used to wear above his lip which many males of  Turkish/Bulgarian stock choose to sport.

Text updates I've just received sent while still in Bulgaria:

"first breakdown in Burgas Hungary (think this is probably in Bulgaria) fuel line on lead car kaput luckily our man in havana mr steve on the case...JAP'S log stardate 29711"

Then:


"all sorted jonny and steve fixed it now in turkey just crossed border no probs the land of atarturk Japs log"

So whilst Steve and Jonny the only two able to distinguish the bonnet from the boot amongst the five were toiling under an unforgiving sun, smothered in flies, sweating, stinking and oiled-up, what were the other three contributing. Perhaps they took the opportunity for a bit of personal grooming ? The removal of blackheads from their dishevelled faces?,  a nice manicure perhaps?, or if it was not to much of a burden they may have been congenial enough to hand one of the mechanics the odd spanner ?. The question of the roles of the five for the duration of the odyssey was raised before they left. Obviously from reading above and also very fortunately Steve and Jonny amongst other things were charged with mechanics. Others claimed responsibility for various alternative assignments. The best answer emerged when one of the  crew was  challenged as to what he could contribute to the team, his first-rate reply and answer that earned his place  was   ...........  BALLAST.

UPDATE:

"Staying n 5 star hotel supposed 2 b 220 euros go it 4 85 euros god knows what they think i have washed my smalls and they're hanging on the balcony turks are very friendly and helpful"  J.Pittaway

Washing his smalls ?....thought he was travelling "commando" perhaps the heat and hours on end on a car seat caused a particularly virulent case of  the dreaded "Hoddys  Hoop".......

Mongol Rally Day 6 - The Black Sea, Bulgaria.

" beware it's like death race 2000 in romania " also : "we are legging it to the border with Bulgaria heading to the black sea "

After being harried by lunatic lorry drivers and witnessing crashes galore, I'd expect our mongols will not be to sorry to leave the precarious  roads of Romania. The latest update on the map puts them in Ruse (Pyce) just over the river border and into Bulgaria where we are informed :

" we are all looking forward to a wash in the black sea "

A distraught Svetlana weeps, holiday in tatters

Now, consider the poor Bulgarian factory employee from the suburbs of Sofia working  twelve hours a day six days a week pulling a lever backwards and forwards for a pittance of a wage. What he works and saves for is  his annual weeks holiday with his wife and kids to some quaint Black Sea resort to forget the moil of every day life in Bumbeskus' Rivet Factory. He plants himself down with his wife on the beach his newspaper  underarm while the kids head for the sea with their car inner-tube. All of a sudden little Svetlana shrieks to her dad that there are miscreants bobbing about in the surf. On investigation the concerned father stumbles on a sight more depressing than his rivet machine at the factory. Five pasty Englishmen unshaven, unkempt, circled by a greasy film on the water washing their smalls with a packet of Daz. Naked and oblivious to the holidaymakers they wallow about like seals, grunting and splashing without a care in the world. Dad covers little Svetlana's eyes and explains that these heathens are from Britain and such behaviour is commonplace and to be expected, then rapidly gathers up his chattels, and moves his dismayed family a hundred yards further down the beach, his vacation in tatters.

I must make one correction the the above as I did write that they were "washing their smalls". I was informed before they set off on the rally by Mr Pittaway that he would be travelling "commando" so consequently he would just be cleaning his shorts.

One other update received from Dai :

"landed on our feet great hotel getting hot dai "

Remind me why they took tents ?

Mongol Rally Day 5 - Are you sure that's Colgate ? UPDATE

Mr Pittaway seems to have got things a little "arse about face" according to one of the updates received last night :

" stay nite jap (Mr Pittaway) uses itchy arse cream to clean teeth "

looks like this bloke used "arsepaste"  too

Now this is a bloody classic ! Apparently Mr Pittaway whilst fumbling for his regular brand of toothpaste contrived to select a tube of ANUSOL which he has obviously taken with him to soothe his festering piles, then applied the calming balsam to his brush without a care in the world and began the cleansing process. I'd wager that it didn't take to long before he grasped that the cream he'd selected was best served for an orifice lower on the body than the one he'd chosen....hope he'd  remembered to check the use by date.

" stuck in big que crash about 8 ambulances have gone part (past) looks like we will have to sit it out "



The latest update on the map puts them at Sebes in mid-Romania where according to Steve's text :

"worse drivers i've ever seen"


obviously Dai hasn't had a turn behind the wheel yet .

Last message:

" making slow progress today rough roads and local drivers are loons off to Count Draculas pad tonight -JD " (Jonny Devaney)


Just had phone call from Steve. He said never in his life has he seen such carnage on the road than in Romania. Seen 6 bad crashes all in one day most involving big lorries. Sooner they get out of Romania the better.

BE SAFE

Mongol Rally Day 4 - Party, Pissed, Police.

The travellers have been furiously updating today :
"getting ready for the big czech party we just bought the worlds biggest beer can holds 60 pints."

Then pre-party, we ascertain thus :
"on our way to Slovakia, Dave and Paul on the absinyth last night and broke the camp chairs with their drunken behaviour."

Also referring to the party:
"bannan and dai were completely twatted last nite and i can c why bannan is on his 3rd marriage he snores like a hog."

This update was received by no other than Mr Pittaway whom of course has never been inebriated and would never be seen in such a state .....

Finally :
" we just recieved our first fine of 100 euros jim and dave could not charm mr policeman steve and paul could."

After a night of  jollification and absinthe with Dai and Paul I for one am bloody happy that I'm not sharing a compact Peugeot  206 in the middle of summer, in the middle of Europe with these individuals, and offer my deepest sympathy for who else is sharing the car with them. Driving with the two sots, farting, wheezing, spewing and groaning definitely would not be for the faint of heart. However Mr Bannan  seems to have recovered enough to be able to cajole the police and has emerged as the partys' diplomatic attaché. The mind boggles as to what prattle he came out with to enable him to "charm" the official. Perhaps he was slurring and spitting that much that the copper thought he was mentally unstable and took pity on him. We can only speculate as to the gibberish that was muttered by the drunkard.

The last update on the map says that they have reached Budapest, and as the name of that city begins with the letter "B" has me and others"in the know" very worried about the safety of the quintet....... Benidorm,  (bludgeoned by the police and a posse of angry Scotsmen), Bratislava, (Myself and Shorty threatened and "sent to Coventry"), and not forgetting Barcelona, (injuries sustained to forehead via a low metal shutter and hosed down by a street cleaner).......Remember these occasions Mr Pittaway ?

Mongol Rally Day 3 - Has Bannan Lost The Plot ?

"nurnberg deutchland " grey goose vodka is wunderbar and bannon the glutton has fell through the slats of his bed 4 the third time(nothing to do with weight or ale) and he his talking to himself(not a good sign for another 9000 miles) and we have met fellow mongols wong way round. great name luy you all"

Source of update unknown

As a wild guess, this update was received after leaving rather than entering the bar at Nurnberg. Mr Bannan although a premier division ale drinker, seems to have lost all faculties and dexterity surprisingly early into the journey. Perhaps it's down to the Grey Goose Vodka that this harrowing condition has taken a hold of him. I only hope that when he plummeted through the slats of the bed that he wasn't in the top bunk berth. Anyone hapless enough to be below the portly adventurer would have procured terrible injuries and without doubt his rally would be doomed. 

Sympathies must be extended to the unfortunate team, Wong Way Round, that stumbled upon our quintet. Was Bannan rambling on to himself whilst they were in their company ? Was it one of the other team members bed that Bannan crashed through, Grey Goose in one hand, Bratwurst in 'tother babbling on incoherently to himself as he fell ?. These questions remain unanswered at the moment but I'm sure the truth will eventually emerge. 

Klenova Castle,Czech Republic

Update :

"On route to CZ"

Update:

 "klenova castle, Czech Republic"

Day 2 Update -Frankfurt, Germany

Quotes from unknown adventurer :

" bitburg the fatherland, first night on road slept in cars in heavy rain, bloody dank"

also we learn :

" Vee are in Germany and it is pissing down all in dressed for the desert "

From these quotes we may confidently conclude that the first cracks are appearing amongst the quintet. The structure of the sentence is a tad wayward suggesting sleep deprivation and hunger. A text received by me last night also stated that Mr Bannan : "has not stopped bloody eating". Obviously Bannan is fattening himself up even more from his gluttonous 17 stone. This may hold him in good stead as when they get to the desert a diet of scorpions, flies, sand, and grubs is to be expected.

New update received:

"Nurnberg just booked in to hotel after spending last night in the car on side of road miles covered about 850 9150 to go".

Update 17:30 Sunday 24th July

Steve phoned saying : Forget the "star wars bar" and that they are now in the roughest bar they've ever been in. Went to a bar in Nurnberg, Germany, where there were two people in there both fast asleep and one of them the landlord. They woke them up and the landlord attempted to serve them unfortunately for him and amusingly for the lads, knocking into his shelves which  sent all his glasses "arse over tit" onto the floor. Unperturbed the landlord managed to serve the ale then took out a porn mag and "retired" to the toilet for twenty minutes. On completion of his task he returned to the bar and nodded off again amongst the debris.
..............and Germany is probably the most "civilised" country they will visit........ 

Mongol rally update

The 5 Mongols  ....... are about to enter the tunnel and are driving straight through to Germany where no doubt they will each be sporting a natty line in  lederhosen for the first nights session in mainland Europe.

The Mongolian 5

Steve

Five intrepid adventurers left the Hope and Anchor this afternoon (22 July 2011)  in two Peugeot 206's bound for the barren plains of Mongolia. Weighing in at an approximate combined weight of 74.5 stone (1043lbs) ish.. and an average age of about 48, the lionhearted quintet squeezed into the cars next to spare tyres, jerry cans,bags,cans of beans, bog roll and of course copious amounts of liquid refreshment. The first port of call is Goodwood racecourse where the start of 2011 Mongolian Rally gets under way with a bit of a party. So basically  they drive about 150 miles and they're already on the lash. Then surprise surprise the next leg of the journey finds them all meeting in Prague for guess what ?................yes another night on the razzle ! Now the morning after the Prague shindig the reality of the situation may kick in. If they have not dis-embowled each other by then they face a further 9000 odd mile jaunt to Ulan Bator, traversing 5 mountain ranges and three deserts, negotiating fierce border guards, the Mongolian Death Worm, malnutrition, B.O, madness, farting, breakdowns, Jim's CD's and singing, wild yaks, searing heat, and a plethora of other obstacles which they will inevitably encounter. All in all a bloody challenging trek ..........

GOD I WISH I WAS GOING WITH 'EM

James

Dai

Three of the five participants, and I think you'll agree perhaps the most hideous looking team of 2011. The other two were emitted as the photos were that horrendous that I was extremely concerned that it may have caused offence and also was not sure if their wives/girlfriends knew they were going.

Countries : UK, France, Belgium, Germany, Czech Rep, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Iran, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Russia, and Mongolia.

Good Luck Lads

Dave the Grave earns deduction reprieve

Mr Graves' proposed points deduction regarding "foul play" in last weeks selection has been quashed. When visiting the pub on Saturday morning, the administration was immediately confronted by a very unstable and incensed Mr Grave. The seething individual harangued the unfortunate official and delivered an inane tongue-lashing for at least 10 minutes without hint of a  breath. The victim at one stage had to seek refuge in the cellar of the pub as Mr G seemed to reach into his murky tescos' bag possibly for a weapon. This resulted in the sprint for the relative refuge of the establishments  basement. Unfortunately the admin official was visibly shaken by the the demented old boys attack, and needed a stiff glass of Woods to be able to attempt to resume negotiations with Grave.

Grave celebrates after points reprieve

As a result of the incident the decision was made not to deduct any points from Grave as his unbalanced personality may lead to further episodes of a similar nature. The admin, however  has now appointed  a steward.... one James "Rathbone" Tully, to deal with Graves caustic temper and to administer any chastisement that may be deemed appropriate during the remainder of the competition. This will also absolve the administration of any further blame when Mr Grave inevitably strikes again. Tully was/will be pleased with his new roll and has vast experience of  being attacked and set upon on a weekly basis and therefore suggests  he'll be ideal for the challenging role. 

Latest Positions.

1. Elmo Weston 12.5 pts

2. A.P Mundy     1.8 pts

3. Dave the Grave 1.0 pts

4. Big 'Un     -1.0 pts

H&A Dreamteam 2011-2012

Grave and Mundy mystery

Dave the Grave and A.P.Mundy appear  to have concocted together to produce their first winner(s) of the competition. Strangely though they both picked the same horse. A previous post which intimated a possible link between the gruesome twosome seems now to have added some clout to the allegation. The horse Dream Ahead romped home at Newmarket priced at 7/1. The question was that who copied who in picking the horse. In a thorough  fact finding investigation into the grubby affair it does seem that Mr Mundy entered the horse first. Unfortunately for Mr Grave when blatantly copying Mundys' selection he made the schoolboy error of spelling the horses name wrong and more seriously writing in UPPER CASE text. This will not be tolerated and is frowned upon by the administration. When consulting the rule book it was discovered that Rule 1a clearly states thus:-

Any tipster who spells the name of the horse incorrectly will incur a deduction of 30p in the Pound of any profit made.

and also Rule 4b says:-

Any tipster foolhardy enough to have the "brass neck" to enter his/her selection in UPPER CASE will   incur a deduction in 60p in the Pound of any profit made.

In conclusion to this episode it is decided that Mundy shall receive his 7pts profit and Grave I'm sorry to say, will  receive a 90% penalty, and should think himself awful lucky that a further 5p in the Pound was not deducted due to his shameless copying of Mundys' tip. He will therefore gain 0.7pts profit

Dream Ahead earns 7pts for  ONE tipster  while the other can Dream On 

1. Elmo Weston  12.5
2. A.P. Mundy     1.00
3. Big 'Un      0.00
4. Billy Kemp  -2.00

    15 Dave The Grave -6.90

Dave the Graves' Humiliation

The latest Tipster Competition table shows the caustic Mr Grave rock bottom of the table much to the merriment  of others and consternation of Mr Grave. When informed of his position the tirade of abuse and derision shown by Mr G was sadly to be expected. He could not seem to grasp the concept of  "alphabetical order" the reason for his lowly position.

A very disturbed  Mr Grave after viewing latest tipster table

" What do you ******* mean I'm bottom on alphabetical order ? My bloody name begins with D!??"

"Yes David but it's got a V in it.... ennit !

"So ******* what you prat ?

" Well Mr Grave the administrations decision is final and any further vilification on your part may result in a hefty points deduction and perhaps a knee in your bony groin".

Allowance must be made to Mr G. due to his age and waspish personality, but obviously any further outbursts will be met with  heavy and draconian  repercussions  .

Only one winner this week a 2/1 shot millylovestobougie which we watched live at Leicester races. Hours of  sweat and toil pouring over form landed the first winner for Shorty,or was it just because his youngest daughter is named  Milly ?..........ummm............

• Elmo Weston     13.5
• Big 'Un     1.0
• Billy Kemp     -1.00

Bottom....Dave the Grave    -6.0