Mongol Rally-Homecoming

After sobbing his heart out and being branded a tightwad ,
 Lone Wolf returns to what he knows best:
DRINK.

" In the Red Rooster with Liam..happy days"

With the  arduous jaunt on the Trans Siberian  to Moscow seemingly taking a mental toll on our wanderers, (Steve rocking to and fro, ape like on his bunk) it was perhaps wisely decided to take to the air to reach their next destination : Wuppertal, Germany. The city of Wuppertal is the home of the Red Rooster bar which served as a local to Steve and others whilst working in Germany a few years ago. Twenty odd patrons of the Hope & Anchor me included,  made the pilgrimage to the RR two years ago during a weekend of revelry in celebration of Steve's impending nuptials . Perhaps not an establishment to impress someone on a first date, depending on the type of companion you are out to entice of course, it is a fine "working mens" bar where a good drink can be had. Lone Wolf however appears to have had some issues during his first visit:

" I James Arthur Pittaway would like to make the following statement as thus: Paul Bannan aka Lone Wolf is a tightwad who does not contribute toward his ale bill"

Normally not one shy of approaching the wood, it may be surmised that Lone Wolf's gorging of the manky cream horns in Siberia has failed to mollify ongoing complications with the snarts. Further evidence of his dismay can be predicted from the first part in this text:

"News Flash: Lone Wolf says no to beer but sees sense after rubbing his eyes"

The prospect of having an ale free day would have been hideous for The Chosen One, and seems to have had him openly blubbing in front of the lads. Mercifully he appears to have got a grip on himself just in time, wiped his eyes and put an end to this embarrassing episode.

The snarts seem to have claimed it's missing victim:

"After 10000 odd miles and all the strange food the eastern world had to offer, I have finally got the snarts following a McDonalds breakfast and Big Mac dinner" (Steve)

After dispatching snake, manky cheese, moths, and vodka galore, it is ironic that the fayre offered at McDonalds has penetrated the immune system and condemned Steve to the same unfortunate fate as his travelling companions, which I can confidently predict would have been the source of high gratification to one and all.

At the time of writing they are due back in the Hope & Anchor via Brugge in Belgium anytime now, if not already. Hats off to all five of them for raising over £7000 for the charities and of course the laughs and experiences they have had will be with them for the rest of their lives. A celebratory drink will be had in the pub on Saturday 3rd September which fortunately or perhaps unfortunately coincides with my 50th birthday where all are welcome and I shall also be having a little glass or two.

Only leaves to say :Thanks for reading and what am I going to write about now ?

Mongol Rally Day 32/33 - Snarting

The epic train journey to Moscow appears to be having some adverse affects on our team:

Lone Wolf finds the perfect accompaniment to rough vodka
in the cream horn, which impressively he can swallow whole.

"Been on train now for fifty hours and got fifty five to go. Should make Moscow Saturday pm. Bannan had Sh*** all night but now back on the vodka."

Nothing nature can throw at him will prevent Lone Wolf from the bottle. The man has the constitution of a wildebeest and must be pouring it in one end only to expel any nutrients that it supposedly contains at the other. This is not a subject that one really likes to discuss but as uttered in previous posts, the dreaded trots have been a bit of a quandary for the mongols. Although apparently not for all:

"Please let it be stated that so far I am the only member not to have snarted  myself during this rally"

This was a word unheard of by myself until now, however further investigation (click above link) revealed it's meaning which I must say is very apt. I myself, as undoubtedly most of you reading have snarted on the odd occasion and unlike my own mishap, hopefully not to far away from an establishment that enabled you to lustrate yourselves.

"Cabin fever has set in for your sibling (Steve). He is sat on the top bunk rocking to and fro. Lone Wolf eating mankey cream horns (?) to cure the snarts.

Now I don't profess to know to much about the medical profession, but nibbling cream horns whilst swigging Russian vodka will probably not really appease the malady mentioned above. In fact how on God's earth did he manage to find someone in Siberia selling cream horns ? There must have been a Tesco Metro nestled amidst the fir trees on the boundless Siberian tundra, cash point and all, self serve checkout complete with vacant employee "ready" to come your aid in case the machine bellows out "Incorrect item in shopping bag please wait for assistance": Spare a thought for Lone Wolf, stood there with two dozen cream horns, a crate of vodka and a soothing jar of Vaseline looking like a right pillock waiting for ten minutes until the assistant can be  arsed to sort the bloody thing out:

" Just passed through Novosibirsk, Siberia"

I trust they passed through Novosibirsk with Lone Wolf actually aboard the train and not still stood like a lemon at the self serve.

Mongol Rally Day 30/31 - Flying Thong.

Just a brief update today: They are currently rolling West toward Moscow. Dai's turn to have bowel problems and consequently is reported to have had to discard a pair of his favourite pulling thongs.

" on train on way home five days to Moscow, no food on train. We have four pot noodles and two bags of crisps between us".

Russian bruiser vows revenge after
being bombarded with silk thong
lobbed from train

Lone Wolf is still drinking for England and, like Dai, is still a tad flaccid down below. 

Problems may occur with the connecting train from Moscow to Cologne as it is scheduled to pass through Belarus which alas, they have no visas for. So if we here no more from our boys it can be assumed that they are guests of the Russian Government in Gulag Chukotka situated in the extreme North West of Russia where I believe it can get a bit nippy at night.

Mongol Rally Day 28/29 - Vodka Express

Our gallant foursome have chosen the dubious delights of Dave's Bar to celebrate the accomplishment of crossing the finish line in Ulaanbaatar. It appears that the imbibing of gargantuan amounts of vodka has led the practical joker to come to the fore. A message from James states:

"Dai and Steve make schoolboy error last night and gave me the key to their room. I went in turned the air con/heater up to 30 degrees, take battery out of the remote,close all windows, and shut the door. When they returned lashed, it was like sauna. Also Lone Wolf inebriated does belly dance on stage". JAPS log.

Before the rally kicked off a book was being run as to how much weight the five lads may loose during the trek. All those that had a wager on Dai or Steve to loose the most will read the above quote with contentment as James may have just earned them a bob or two.  Nevertheless the thought of the two unfortunate wretches of James' horseplay, lying buck naked, perspiring heavily and emitting wind from various orifices is not an image one should dwell upon. Lone Wolf too has been in a celebratory mood it seems. His ample girth seems to have held him in good stead as he is said to have performed some adroit dance choreography on the stage at what I assume was Dave's Bar. Anyone hapless enough to be sharing the stage with Lone Wolf whilst he was pirouetting may well have received a nasty clout due to his swinging paunch and would undoubtedly have been sent spiralling, legs akimbo, off  the stage. For those who put their money on Lone Wolf to loose the weight?.... well they may now have a glimmer of hope due to the exertions on his part..........or perhaps not.

Overcome with emotion, female disciples  in Russia of
Lone Wolf McQuade watch agog, as he gets tangled in heavy curtain

"1st stage done. Keep the blog going, getting the Vodka Express on Tuesday on route for Moscow. Lone Wolf sleep walking last night shouting for me (Jim) and Steve. He got tangled up in some heavy curtains and could not get out".

A long journey on the Trans-Siberian Express now awaits the four as they head for the Russian capital. Quite what any commuters boarding the morning train make of this primitive looking tribe of Westerners is anyone's guess. The network of villages, towns, and cities in Russia on route, will obviously be told in advance of the arrival of the legendary Lone Wolf ....The Enlightened One. I envisage garlands and tick-a-tape at many of these places as Lone Wolf and his entourage grace their home towns. Children will be thrust before him by adoring mothers in the hope of passing on some of his acumen. He'll perform christenings in rivers, speeches, and of course his belly dance. Unmarried females will frolic and giggle in the hope of catching his eye as they glimpse this infinite spirit for the first time. 

And all that the Chosen One will ask in return is ? ........ of course.......................Vodka.

Mongol Rally Day 25,26,27 - Dave's Bar, Ulaanbatar

Peeved Iranian knife man of  bridging loan outrage
awaits arrival of team Gobi 1 Kenobi

"The Engish swine dishonour me"

On July 22 2011 five pale faced, freshly groomed Englishmen in two peugeot 206's left the comfort of the bar at the Hope & Anchor Leamington Spa, and set course for the vast expanse of Mongolia. On August 19th at approximately 13:25 hrs and 9935 miles down the road, a phone call confirmed that they had reached the finish line and were propping up the bar in Ulaanbaatar, tired, dishevelled and stinking, but extremely content in an environment that they are very familiar with. And a very thoughtfully named bar too...... Daves Bar....., not Odvals Yak Bar or Batukans Bistro but bloody Daves Bar.  Unfortunately during their epic drive, one of the travellers was forced to return due to illness and one of the cars going kaput. He'll doubtless never forget his rally and will look "fondly" when reminiscing about the needle he had crudely inserted at the Turkish hospital. He will be as happy as any that the other mongols have made it to the finish line. The remaining four have encountered knife wielding Iranian rednecks, suicidal Romanian boy racers, gun totting police, and a drunken porn reading German landlord. One black mark however was when the lads utterly disgraced themselves and indeed the nation in upsetting little Svetlana and her family on their annual beano to the coast of the Black Sea. I hope her nightmarish vision of the unclad miscreants bobbing up and down in the surf doesn't last to long.

 Morale always seemed to be high which was without doubt a lot to do with the antics of our friend Mr Bannan or as recently dubbed, Lone Wolf McQuade. They now face about a two week train journey on the Trans Siberian Express from Ulaanbaatar to Moscow and then a flight from the Russian capital to England. I no doubt will receive more updates during their journey West, and will type up my take on any I get, in fact I foresee a lot of drink may be imbibed on the train which will always lends itself to some quite interesting texts and phone calls.

It just remains to say Congratulations to all five of the lads and for the remaining four to get back safely.....where we'll have a glass or two to celebrate the achievement.

Mongol Rally Rally Day 23/24 - The Hills Have Eyes

Diplomatic relations back on track as Mr Pittaway
  irons out compromise

Communication difficulties in the Mongolian sticks resulted in no texts being sent by our team since Saturday. However a phone call received this evening from Mr Pittaway has revealed more revelations mainly involving our good friend Mr Bannan aka  Lone Wolf McQuade. The first incident however principally involves Jim whilst travelling on a balmy night in Northern Iran. It was decided that a petrol and food stop would be in order, so when they spotted a likely looking establishment where they might procure such items, they agreed on a bit of a break. When pulling into the services it was noted that there were some exceedingly disturbing  looking individuals stood outside a battered looking truck that were all glaring toward them. Possibly a family group as they had similar lumps and appendages, our team were, shall we say..on their guard as they saw what looked like the film set of "The Hills Have Eyes". While Jim was walking toward the service area a large male from the outfit proceeded to approach him wildly gesticulating and shouting...MONEY..! Diplomatic as ever Mr P retorted with an expletive followed by "NO MONEY". Unfortunately this seemed to agitate our disfigured yokel and he produced a curved knife and began to swing it around his substantial cranium. Now at this stage Jim probably thought that with hindsight, perhaps it was not quite the right thing to do to antagonise this chap. James understandably admits, in his own words, "I s***t myself"  thankfully not literally. It must be pointed out at this point that the four adventurers have all failed to get a razor any where near their hirsute chins during the rally and therefore must cut a rather barbarous looking band. Perhaps this is why the enraged Persian suddenly took stock and returned the blade into his pocket and embraced Jim like a long lost brother or camel. Perhaps he thought that our lads were fellow inter-breds  from the far north, this we can only speculate, but I'd wager that the fierce bearded appearance and Jim's unique mastery of diplomatics made him think again about trying obtain a bridging loan from him.

NOTE:

KATE IF YOUR READING THIS JAMES SAID HE NEVER TOLD YOU AT THE TIME AS HE DID NOT WANT YOU WORRYING AND HE WASN'T REALLY TERRIFIED, AND HE WOULD HAVE HAD HIM IF HE'D HAVE COME ONE STEP CLOSER....AND......, AND EVERYTHING  IS OK NOW  :-)

........................Hopefully the big fella didn't have a rethink and  follow them.

Viscous beast lays siege
to travellers camp

Now, one of these blog posts just wouldn't be the same without a little ditty pertaining to Lone Wolf (Mr Bannan). Sleeping in hotels has now long gone and the tent is now being utilised a lot more. Camping in absolutely stunning  mountain and desert scenery according to Jim, they pitched there tent next to a mountain stream where surprisingly they had a wash. Anyway they all settled down in their sleeping bags and slowly all began to nod off. During the night a blood curdling scream was heard from the tent of Mr Bannan. Startled and concerned about their safety someone asked him what was wrong? Clearly distressed and no doubt sobbing uncontrollably  Lone Wolf relayed the fact that there was something outside his tent. The first thought was it could be a yak or perhaps a wolverine, a notoriously ferocious animal which is abundant in Mongolia or perhaps even a ravenous, slavering  Asiatic black bear looking for a  human meal. I'm not sure who volunteered to peer out into the night but someone had to as they pondered this life or death struggle. Mr Bannan was in fact being "hunted" by what was almost certainly a "killer" Alashan Ground Squirrel not the most intimidating beast in the wilds of Mongolia I think you'd concur

Mongol Rally Day 22/23 - Lone Wolf McQuade

"Drove all night in the Altai Mountains,400km from Mong border"

Also:

" Made border in good time now they wont let us out till 9am Monday"

As our intrepid adventurers near Mongolia and ever nearer the elusive finish line, arguably the star of the show, Mr Bannan, is at it again:

" New name for Bannan is Lone Wolf McQuade. He has been chopping wood with Ruskies and now he's fishing with them in a string singlet"

Mystical nomad  Paul  Bannan aka
Lone Wolf McQuade,  forever etched  in
Russian folklore

Lone Wolf has spearheaded relations with all during this trip unhindered by the language barrier as he beguiles both locals and the rest of the team alike. Wielding an axe he set about attacking trees, fences and anything else in his path in aid of his Russian hosts. The unfortunate locals were no doubt scurrying for cover as Lone Wolf, Viking like, sent a conglomeration of shrapnel in all directions. On completion of his offensive on the wood, we then learn that he sets about obtaining the teams supper as he takes to the rod and line in an attempt to snag a fish. This is very typical of the hunter gatherer lifestyle that he has adopted during this trip. Quite why he was donning a string singlet is a mystery. In fact it's a mystery as to why he actually owns a string singlet. Perhaps he adapted it into a rudimentary net in case the rod and line proved unproductive. Locals must be highly impressed with this outlandish visitor as he carves his way forever into their memories. He will go down in folklore, and fathers will tell of  this mystical pilgrim from Britain who went by the name of.............. Lone Wolf McQuade.

"Been at the campsite 30 minutes and already drinking vodka with the locals who are sound. Will be here for 2 days"


Unsurprisingly after a heavy session on rough Russian vodka we learn:

"Lone Wolf  has crashed out, already steaming. He'll remember nothing of this jolly boys outing"

Known as a man who enjoys a glass or two, Lone Wolf seems to have been a little lightweight when taking on the Russians at drinking vodka although it has to be said that it is their national pastime. Compensation must be given however for the exertion he extended whilst swinging the axe about and can be forgiven for this hiccup. But rest assured.................Lone Wolf will no doubt rise again

Mongol Rally Day 20/21 - No Mans Land

Texts a plenty today:

" Exhaust back box fell off car just had it welded back on. On way to border just North of Semey. Bannans birthday today gonna have a glass tonight. Camped last night between motorway and railway.....F****** nightmare. Steve.

Glad to here it's not just the occupants, but the car too, that is having trouble with back boxes.

"In no-mans land. Russians won't let us in until Saturday. Visas don't start until 13th"

Before they started the rally it was expected that most of the hassle that they would encounter would be on entering Russia. Previous rally competitors painted a bleak view of bribery and general awkwardness amongst the Russian border police although if the visa don't start until 13th August then there's not at lot you can do.

 I'd envisage that there is limited opportunity for entertainment in a strip of wasteland between two countries other than have a little drink, and considering where they are, vodka must be the chosen tipple.This is of course if they've got a bottle stashed, as it can me confidently surmised that they won't find a Tescos Metro in the vicinity.

As I was typing this message came through:

"Allowed to re-enter Kazakh. Just drank a bottle of vodka to celebrate Bans birthday. Back at border at 11pm tomorrow night will drive through the night to make Mongolian border"

Kazakh officials probably now very aware of  Mr Bannans' presence in there land have kindly agreed for the team to backtrack into their country. As Paul has honoured Kazakhs with his presence in their country  they perhaps have laid on a bottle of gutrot for his birthday shindig. We await news of the aftermath of the vodka party.

A strange message from Jim indicates that they did indeed imbibe a bottle......or two:

"All the Kazakhs think I am a Rusky. I am most perturbed to be thought of as a Slav also yesterday at Kazakh border they thought we were all professors"

 

The arrival of four English professors provokes much
hilarity among the local students

Professors? professors of what exactly? Four of the most dubious looking characters that these isles have ever spawned have turned up in their country wild eyed, and after the vodka presumably legless. The indigenous Kazakhs must have thought it was a re-run of the Crusades. Uncouth northerners in their army surplus, fair haired, well one with fair hair, one fair-ish and balding, one grey and balding, and one completely bald, in a bloody Peugeot 206 and Mr P concludes that they think he's a professor. He must be a professor of Asian languages to be able to decipher what the locals were rabbiting on about in the first place. I suppose some allowance must be made after swilling the gutrot but James seems to have been in the sun to long. Still he must have recovered somewhat as:

" We are in the Soviet Union!"

This is the last country before they "blaze" into Mongolia and have only the trivial matter of traversing the Gobi Desert and then on into Ulaanbaatar where hopefully they will be able to bathe for the first time since upsetting Svetlana's family in the Black Sea, Romania.

Mongol Rally Day 18/19 - Blonde Moment

If one thing has emerged during the drive to Mongolia it's that Mr Bannan has thoroughly immersed himself into the spirit of the rally bringing his unique brand of humour and wit whether intentional or otherwise. His latest witticism  is thus:

"Got lost in Taldykorgan and Paul was ranting on saying that you would think that they would have put the bloody road signs in English".

Bannan to lodge formal complaint to Kazakhs
concerning "ridiculous" signs

With a bit of foresight before embarking on the trip, one of the team should have had the common decency to have entered  into intense negotiation with the Kazakh embassy in London. They perhaps then could have dispatched their UK diplomat to liaise with the appropriate department in Astana the Kazakh capital, and have all road-signs on the teams route changed so as not to offend our congenial plumber. Clad in an ill fitting Don Estelle type safari suit throughout the journey Mr B has suffered amongst other things, raging diarrhea, and some very dubious mishaps involving bed slats but plods on ranting but stiff upper-lipped as he stumbles for ever onward toward his goal........The man's a legend.

It seems that the distubances in various locations in England have spread far and wide and now reached Kazakhkstan:

"Scumbag throws brick through our rear window outside our hotel in Kounradskiy"

They seem to have survived the Kazakh hoodies as Japs log reads :

"Camping on the Kazakh Steppes tonight already tucked up. The stars are really brilliant and Paul had a blonde moment he rared up as the signs were in the Cyrillic alphabet and not English"

At last they seem to be using the tent.

They are now on probably the hardest leg of the journey. After leaving Kazakhstan they will "briefly" go into Russia and then onto Mongolia and the daunting Gobi Desert. Tonight they will sleep under the stars unpolluted by light and in the vast Asian outdoors. This is what it's all about, to be tucked up in a warm sleeping bag under a massive dark sky,drowsy and content...except that is  for  good old Mr Bannan floundering  into the blackness, Andrex and shovel in hand, off to do his ablutions still carping and bleeting about those bloody road-signs.

Distance travelled : 9027 miles

Mongol Rally Day 16/17 - Cordon Bleu Cuisine

It appears that at the Uzbek/Kazak border our lads seem to have had a spot of bother:

"Stuck at Uzbek/Kazakh borer missing papers"

All seems to have been deciphered as the next text reads:

"Shymkent, Kazakhstan. Pauls' iron constitution has broke today with a vengeance. Plenty of target practice but alas no hole in one" Japs Log.

What deals they did with the border officials I dread to think.

If you are familiar with the previous update you would have unfortunately gleaned that the ablutions in this particular area of the world are a tad primitive. Messrs Devaney (D) and Pittaway were struggling with their performance whilst attempting to exploit these facilities. We now hear that our Mr Bannan has developed a rather loose stool himself, in other words he has the trots. This comes as no surprise as he has consumed food and ale aplenty. Knowing Paul as I do, he would have taken great pleasure in the plight of Dai and Jim while they were taking on the hole in the ground. The boot now is firmly on the other foot and I have no doubt whatsoever that the other party members will take great pleasure in Mr Bannans misfortune.

Head waiter Nurzan prepares the evenings fayre

Talking to Steve on facebook last night I was informed of their trip to an Uzbek restaurant. Obviously with the language barrier and the menu being in the Cyrillic or azbuka writing system, our boys were flummoxed when it came to ordering their meals. In time honoured fashion  they shrugged and waved their arms at the waiter. He understood this global method of communication and recommended the chefs special. Lots of head nodding and smiles assured the waiter that he'd been correct in this assumption. Twenty minutes later a herd of delighted waiters emerged with the chosen fayre. The lads laughing and smiling, hankering for their food, grabbed the cutlery in anticipation of a good fill. The  air of joviality was perhaps a little premature as they inspected the contents of the dishes. One had a manky looking salad type affair in it, another a wedge of cheese never seen before in western civilisation and in the third dish, the piece de resistance ....... an emaciated snake.... I asked Steve for his analysis of the dish.... His reply:

"F****** rancid"

Love It !!

One text just received while typing:

" Just arrive at Taraz in Kazakhstan. Stopped for speeding again sweet talked my way out of it again. Bad flatulence  from Mr Bannan. In-car photo shoot in morning in mankinis. Had small problem with stampeding cattle on route"

If the locals see them sporting mankinis they may wish the cattle had stampeded over them, as they apparently don't take to kindly to Ali G type mirth. lol.

Mongol Rally Day 14/15 - Communication Problems/Yoga

Apparently no texts or updates could get through in Turkmenistan so they've made up for it today as they arrive in Uzbekistan, with texts akin to essays:

"Alright kev we had no signal in Turkmenistan. In Uzbekistan the potholes and ridges on roads were that bad in Turkmen you needed crampons" Japs Log

Another message from Japs log also points to some dodgy roads:

" Over 6000 miles we're having 2 lose weight in the car as the roads are a bit bumpy. Bannan sais we should ditch our Rough Guide books. This is sacrilege and akin 2 burning them it remids me of the brown shirts and Kristallnacht. He should have been around 70 yrs ago

The Mongols limber up before daily desert yoga

Mr Bannan seems amazingly to have eclipsed his previous indiscretions with this gem. Your in the middle of rural Turkmenistan a very mysterious country who's human rights record under the previous president Saparmurat Niyazov or Turkmenbassy, was worse only than North Korea, and our affable plumber wants to hoof the only guide pertaining to the etiquette and culture of the country out of the window to reduce the weight. A preferred idea to help alleviate the excess poundage, would be a  program of intensive exercise in the morning before they eat their moths. This should be immediately embarked upon by the four. A Japanese style yoga curriculum often seen outside factories and offices in Japan would not doubt suffice and would, in the intense heat, shed the blubber and therefore solve the problem. This would also conjure up highly satisfying thoughts for the reader of this blog as our undaunted four, ashen except for perhaps one tanned arm that was nearest the window, lumber around, in there Y-fronts in 40 degree heat.

"Had first breakdown in Iran in mountains in 47 degree heat. the worse roads iv'e ever seen in Turkmenistan. Car took a beating put large kink in roof. Stopped by Turkmen police and they wanted $100 because the car was dirty.....they got nothing".

Because the car was dirty ??. Now telling the police that they were not getting any money took some guts in my reckoning as I'd speculate that these particular "law" enforces were probably totting the odd firearm.

"Dave and Jim need more practice with the hole in the floor type toilets"

I don't really need, or in fact wish to, expand on the possible results of not getting your aim right in such circumstances.

Finally and encouragingly:

"All boys in very high spirits, very hard work but great fun"

...............and that is what it's all about..............................

Mongol Rally Day 13 - Unlucky for Jim / Follow Through

Splendid text just received from SM at 19:06

"Still in Iran Bojnord about 200k from border crossing tomorrow into Turkmenistan place called Ashgabat cars overheating but ok now. ps. late start today as jim followed through as about to leave hotel"

You just can't take that man anywhere.  "An Iranian delicacy is head of sheep soup. They love it but it’s as gooey as you might imagine it to be".

At a guess Mr P has sampled the head of sheep soup. However the sheep was presumably suffering from orf or to you and I pustular dermatitis, a particularly virulent condition that can be passed on to humans in the form of festering lesions on the hands. If it was a freshly slaughtered animal, killed in the Muslim tradition of halal, Jim may have become very fond of the beast before its demise and formed a personal attachment, understandable as it probably gets lonesome for a man out there. Now any nip or bite by the sheep would be enough for orf to be passed on. This would also lead to a loosening of the bowel which fits in with James' hapless symptoms a treat. Luckily Mr Bannan did have the foresight to pack a box of OMO which does work well on the stubborn stain.

Another text stated:

"Also paul the glutton bannan poked himself in the eye with cable tie and is unable to drive 4 a couple of days and his eyesight is not that good at the best of times"

These are trying times for our four trailblazers. With Paul visually impaired ,and Jim perched on a rubber ring and banned from touching anything in the car in case the orf spreads, It leaves Dai and Steve to plod on with the driving. Dai not the most confident of drivers and with a strange habit of driving with his extraordinary lengthy tongue protruding, and Steve whom has been cruelly depicted by some local Cornish folk as a "Jug Eared Brummie, the resident Iranians and Turkmen may be forgiven, on catching sight of the car, that Gerry Cottles' circus has trundled into town. 

KEEP GOING LADS WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

Mongol Rally Day 12 - Speeding

"Just had first speeding fine on the road from Tabriz to Tehran"

Pondering a small 206 crammed with equipment, four bearded and bedraggled infidels trudging through Iran  is marvellous. The sight and odour that confronted the police could not have been pleasant whilst reprimanding the occupants. But the realization that the Iranian police were bearing down on them probably resulted in an impromptu change of underwear for the majority of the cars incumbents. I don't know the size of the fine but they can count themselves very fortunate not to be receiving at least fifty lashes apiece.......which is what I told my mother that they had been condemned to.... Unfortunately she turned a pallid grey and her legs turned jelly-like so I thought it wise to  hastily retract my statement as I don't think she really grasped the pun at all....Sorry Shirl.

Steve also said that, as with the Turks, that the locals are very friendly and that it is hot........very hot.

Iranian traffic police swoop on unsuspecting boy racers

Mongol Rally Day 11 - One Down : UPDATE

A tasty snack between meals

Just had phone call from S in Iran. It's 11:30pm, windy and 35 degrees but worryingly he said the car is playing up. He didn't say what was wrong with it probably because he knew he'd be wasting his breath giving me the technicalities. Fingers crossed it plods on or else they'll be back sooner than expected

Bad news received today:

"ECU f***** and they dont have 1.1 cars in Turkey one car left 4 men John gone home"

I haven't got a blind clue what the ECU is that was until a hasty google search revealed it's the Electronic Control Unit. I'm making a wild postulation that when this ECU goes tits-up it signifies car death?. With only one vehicle remaining, a multitude of equipment and supplies and five substantial travellers, an onerous decision had to be made as to who was going to have to return to Blighty. It seems that decision was made and Jonny is on his way back. I believe that he hasn't been feeling to well and has had a dicky stomach. I hope it wasn't my suggestion to devour the odd moth as a tasty nibble, as I do recall that the Macroglossum stellatarum or the Hummingbird Hawk Moth common in Turkey, does tend to leave one with a touch of acidosis which can in turn lead  to a chronic bout of gaseous flatulence. Joking apart Jonny was pivotal in setting up the rally and he can be proud of what he's achieved, and speak for all in hoping that the moths laid no eggs in his abdomen. 

What we're left with is a small peugeot 206 crammed with four hefty blokes sweating and wheezing in temperatures approaching 40 degrees in the land of the mad mullahs and with about 6500 miles to go.

Received this text while typing:


"I am in Iran"


I'm hoping that they are all in Iran ?

Mongol Rally Day 10

Just a basic update tonight as I'm knackered:

"having a relaxed drive heading for Iranian border, need to remove the beer from the car and put on long trousers"


Just what your want, long strides in 40c ish heat. And no ale !? this is a highly disturbing as it's ale that supplies the bulk of their five-a-day, what with apple cider, pear cider etc etc.

"our little babies just got over 6000ft mountain passes, its 38c and getting hotter"


and finally:

"at the Iran border"

Mongol Rally Day 8/9 - Asia, Food Poisoning UPDATE

 just crossed the bosphorus we r in asia .. japs log"

The five intrepid explorers have crossed the Bosphorus and set tyre and foot into Asia where the difficulties appear to already have begun:

"lost bit of ground yesterday due to food poisoning but all good now and on  our way to Giresun"

I'm not sure who actually got the food poisoning but suspect by the structure of the text I received it was Jonny a man who, judging by his substantial girth, enjoys the impromptu bite to eat. The video gives you some idea of what Turkish delicacy Mr Devaney may have consumed.

This type of nourishment might become very welcome when they reach places like Kazakhstan and Mongolia as the Egon Ronay rated restaurant may be few and far between in the monotonous and featureless steppes. So it is suggested that when they come upon any road-kill for instance  perhaps an extinguished Mongolian Gerbil or if they're lucky an injured Pallas Sand-grouse they pick it up and stockpile in preparation  for leaner times ahead. Another idea that came to me is to set up a light outside the tent while they are camping. This will encourage moths which would serve as a "tasty" little nibble between the raw road-kill. Enough of this:

Food poisioning claims
first victim

"stayed here (where ?) the might (n) got woken up at 4am with the ole call for prayer"

also:

"Dai is in driving miss daisy mode 2 day and tell the primordial dwarf * I got through the b country ok...japs log

*(this is most likely a reference to one Mr Shorty Barnett a respected pillar of the community and local bar-fly in Leamington Spa)

UPDATE:

" the lads enjoying their kebabs at the motorway services, I'm on dry biscuits"
also:
" ended up here for the night drove to 4500ft over a mountain range,through a 4km tunnel and along most of Turkey's black sea coast all in one day "


 The map shows them in Giresun where soon it looks like they'll be heading South East and for the Iranian border.

Mongol Rally Day 7 - First Breakdown,Mr Castle,Turkey

Texts and updates galore today as the the lads, invigorated after the dip in the Black Sea, head for the Bopsphorus crossing where they will bestow their particular and unique brand of culture to the unsuspecting folk of Asia. No doubt their arrival will bring the relative opulence of European hotels to an abrupt end and instead will trigger the use of the tent. One updated stated :

"roughed it for a night at a brand new 4 star hotel : on the road for Istanbul in and hour if we can leave the hotel pool side".


 However they evidently managed to manoeuvre their substantial torsos and hit the road again:

" through our first big border point on the road to Istanbul baby!"


Sometime between the poolside in Bulgaria and Turkey they were confronted by an abominable apparition. The text received (Steve) by me this morning also shocked me to the core. The text said :

Cabby The Turk (right) with Inky Wilson taking a
break from his hectic modelling schedule.

" just drove by Cabby's twin brother".

The question of Mr Castles' roots  has always been a bone of contention with many who know him so this  sighting  points to the likelihood of Ottoman blood which fits in well with his swarthy appearance and the  monstrous appendage he used to wear above his lip which many males of  Turkish/Bulgarian stock choose to sport.

Text updates I've just received sent while still in Bulgaria:

"first breakdown in Burgas Hungary (think this is probably in Bulgaria) fuel line on lead car kaput luckily our man in havana mr steve on the case...JAP'S log stardate 29711"

Then:


"all sorted jonny and steve fixed it now in turkey just crossed border no probs the land of atarturk Japs log"

So whilst Steve and Jonny the only two able to distinguish the bonnet from the boot amongst the five were toiling under an unforgiving sun, smothered in flies, sweating, stinking and oiled-up, what were the other three contributing. Perhaps they took the opportunity for a bit of personal grooming ? The removal of blackheads from their dishevelled faces?,  a nice manicure perhaps?, or if it was not to much of a burden they may have been congenial enough to hand one of the mechanics the odd spanner ?. The question of the roles of the five for the duration of the odyssey was raised before they left. Obviously from reading above and also very fortunately Steve and Jonny amongst other things were charged with mechanics. Others claimed responsibility for various alternative assignments. The best answer emerged when one of the  crew was  challenged as to what he could contribute to the team, his first-rate reply and answer that earned his place  was   ...........  BALLAST.

UPDATE:

"Staying n 5 star hotel supposed 2 b 220 euros go it 4 85 euros god knows what they think i have washed my smalls and they're hanging on the balcony turks are very friendly and helpful"  J.Pittaway

Washing his smalls ?....thought he was travelling "commando" perhaps the heat and hours on end on a car seat caused a particularly virulent case of  the dreaded "Hoddys  Hoop".......

Mongol Rally Day 6 - The Black Sea, Bulgaria.

" beware it's like death race 2000 in romania " also : "we are legging it to the border with Bulgaria heading to the black sea "

After being harried by lunatic lorry drivers and witnessing crashes galore, I'd expect our mongols will not be to sorry to leave the precarious  roads of Romania. The latest update on the map puts them in Ruse (Pyce) just over the river border and into Bulgaria where we are informed :

" we are all looking forward to a wash in the black sea "

A distraught Svetlana weeps, holiday in tatters

Now, consider the poor Bulgarian factory employee from the suburbs of Sofia working  twelve hours a day six days a week pulling a lever backwards and forwards for a pittance of a wage. What he works and saves for is  his annual weeks holiday with his wife and kids to some quaint Black Sea resort to forget the moil of every day life in Bumbeskus' Rivet Factory. He plants himself down with his wife on the beach his newspaper  underarm while the kids head for the sea with their car inner-tube. All of a sudden little Svetlana shrieks to her dad that there are miscreants bobbing about in the surf. On investigation the concerned father stumbles on a sight more depressing than his rivet machine at the factory. Five pasty Englishmen unshaven, unkempt, circled by a greasy film on the water washing their smalls with a packet of Daz. Naked and oblivious to the holidaymakers they wallow about like seals, grunting and splashing without a care in the world. Dad covers little Svetlana's eyes and explains that these heathens are from Britain and such behaviour is commonplace and to be expected, then rapidly gathers up his chattels, and moves his dismayed family a hundred yards further down the beach, his vacation in tatters.

I must make one correction the the above as I did write that they were "washing their smalls". I was informed before they set off on the rally by Mr Pittaway that he would be travelling "commando" so consequently he would just be cleaning his shorts.

One other update received from Dai :

"landed on our feet great hotel getting hot dai "

Remind me why they took tents ?

Mongol Rally Day 5 - Are you sure that's Colgate ? UPDATE

Mr Pittaway seems to have got things a little "arse about face" according to one of the updates received last night :

" stay nite jap (Mr Pittaway) uses itchy arse cream to clean teeth "

looks like this bloke used "arsepaste"  too

Now this is a bloody classic ! Apparently Mr Pittaway whilst fumbling for his regular brand of toothpaste contrived to select a tube of ANUSOL which he has obviously taken with him to soothe his festering piles, then applied the calming balsam to his brush without a care in the world and began the cleansing process. I'd wager that it didn't take to long before he grasped that the cream he'd selected was best served for an orifice lower on the body than the one he'd chosen....hope he'd  remembered to check the use by date.

" stuck in big que crash about 8 ambulances have gone part (past) looks like we will have to sit it out "



The latest update on the map puts them at Sebes in mid-Romania where according to Steve's text :

"worse drivers i've ever seen"


obviously Dai hasn't had a turn behind the wheel yet .

Last message:

" making slow progress today rough roads and local drivers are loons off to Count Draculas pad tonight -JD " (Jonny Devaney)


Just had phone call from Steve. He said never in his life has he seen such carnage on the road than in Romania. Seen 6 bad crashes all in one day most involving big lorries. Sooner they get out of Romania the better.

BE SAFE

Mongol Rally Day 4 - Party, Pissed, Police.

The travellers have been furiously updating today :
"getting ready for the big czech party we just bought the worlds biggest beer can holds 60 pints."

Then pre-party, we ascertain thus :
"on our way to Slovakia, Dave and Paul on the absinyth last night and broke the camp chairs with their drunken behaviour."

Also referring to the party:
"bannan and dai were completely twatted last nite and i can c why bannan is on his 3rd marriage he snores like a hog."

This update was received by no other than Mr Pittaway whom of course has never been inebriated and would never be seen in such a state .....

Finally :
" we just recieved our first fine of 100 euros jim and dave could not charm mr policeman steve and paul could."

After a night of  jollification and absinthe with Dai and Paul I for one am bloody happy that I'm not sharing a compact Peugeot  206 in the middle of summer, in the middle of Europe with these individuals, and offer my deepest sympathy for who else is sharing the car with them. Driving with the two sots, farting, wheezing, spewing and groaning definitely would not be for the faint of heart. However Mr Bannan  seems to have recovered enough to be able to cajole the police and has emerged as the partys' diplomatic attaché. The mind boggles as to what prattle he came out with to enable him to "charm" the official. Perhaps he was slurring and spitting that much that the copper thought he was mentally unstable and took pity on him. We can only speculate as to the gibberish that was muttered by the drunkard.

The last update on the map says that they have reached Budapest, and as the name of that city begins with the letter "B" has me and others"in the know" very worried about the safety of the quintet....... Benidorm,  (bludgeoned by the police and a posse of angry Scotsmen), Bratislava, (Myself and Shorty threatened and "sent to Coventry"), and not forgetting Barcelona, (injuries sustained to forehead via a low metal shutter and hosed down by a street cleaner).......Remember these occasions Mr Pittaway ?

Mongol Rally Day 3 - Has Bannan Lost The Plot ?

"nurnberg deutchland " grey goose vodka is wunderbar and bannon the glutton has fell through the slats of his bed 4 the third time(nothing to do with weight or ale) and he his talking to himself(not a good sign for another 9000 miles) and we have met fellow mongols wong way round. great name luy you all"

Source of update unknown

As a wild guess, this update was received after leaving rather than entering the bar at Nurnberg. Mr Bannan although a premier division ale drinker, seems to have lost all faculties and dexterity surprisingly early into the journey. Perhaps it's down to the Grey Goose Vodka that this harrowing condition has taken a hold of him. I only hope that when he plummeted through the slats of the bed that he wasn't in the top bunk berth. Anyone hapless enough to be below the portly adventurer would have procured terrible injuries and without doubt his rally would be doomed. 

Sympathies must be extended to the unfortunate team, Wong Way Round, that stumbled upon our quintet. Was Bannan rambling on to himself whilst they were in their company ? Was it one of the other team members bed that Bannan crashed through, Grey Goose in one hand, Bratwurst in 'tother babbling on incoherently to himself as he fell ?. These questions remain unanswered at the moment but I'm sure the truth will eventually emerge. 

Klenova Castle,Czech Republic

Update :

"On route to CZ"

Update:

 "klenova castle, Czech Republic"

Day 2 Update -Frankfurt, Germany

Quotes from unknown adventurer :

" bitburg the fatherland, first night on road slept in cars in heavy rain, bloody dank"

also we learn :

" Vee are in Germany and it is pissing down all in dressed for the desert "

From these quotes we may confidently conclude that the first cracks are appearing amongst the quintet. The structure of the sentence is a tad wayward suggesting sleep deprivation and hunger. A text received by me last night also stated that Mr Bannan : "has not stopped bloody eating". Obviously Bannan is fattening himself up even more from his gluttonous 17 stone. This may hold him in good stead as when they get to the desert a diet of scorpions, flies, sand, and grubs is to be expected.

New update received:

"Nurnberg just booked in to hotel after spending last night in the car on side of road miles covered about 850 9150 to go".

Update 17:30 Sunday 24th July

Steve phoned saying : Forget the "star wars bar" and that they are now in the roughest bar they've ever been in. Went to a bar in Nurnberg, Germany, where there were two people in there both fast asleep and one of them the landlord. They woke them up and the landlord attempted to serve them unfortunately for him and amusingly for the lads, knocking into his shelves which  sent all his glasses "arse over tit" onto the floor. Unperturbed the landlord managed to serve the ale then took out a porn mag and "retired" to the toilet for twenty minutes. On completion of his task he returned to the bar and nodded off again amongst the debris.
..............and Germany is probably the most "civilised" country they will visit........ 

Mongol rally update

The 5 Mongols  ....... are about to enter the tunnel and are driving straight through to Germany where no doubt they will each be sporting a natty line in  lederhosen for the first nights session in mainland Europe.

The Mongolian 5

Steve

Five intrepid adventurers left the Hope and Anchor this afternoon (22 July 2011)  in two Peugeot 206's bound for the barren plains of Mongolia. Weighing in at an approximate combined weight of 74.5 stone (1043lbs) ish.. and an average age of about 48, the lionhearted quintet squeezed into the cars next to spare tyres, jerry cans,bags,cans of beans, bog roll and of course copious amounts of liquid refreshment. The first port of call is Goodwood racecourse where the start of 2011 Mongolian Rally gets under way with a bit of a party. So basically  they drive about 150 miles and they're already on the lash. Then surprise surprise the next leg of the journey finds them all meeting in Prague for guess what ?................yes another night on the razzle ! Now the morning after the Prague shindig the reality of the situation may kick in. If they have not dis-embowled each other by then they face a further 9000 odd mile jaunt to Ulan Bator, traversing 5 mountain ranges and three deserts, negotiating fierce border guards, the Mongolian Death Worm, malnutrition, B.O, madness, farting, breakdowns, Jim's CD's and singing, wild yaks, searing heat, and a plethora of other obstacles which they will inevitably encounter. All in all a bloody challenging trek ..........

GOD I WISH I WAS GOING WITH 'EM

James

Dai

Three of the five participants, and I think you'll agree perhaps the most hideous looking team of 2011. The other two were emitted as the photos were that horrendous that I was extremely concerned that it may have caused offence and also was not sure if their wives/girlfriends knew they were going.

Countries : UK, France, Belgium, Germany, Czech Rep, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Iran, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Russia, and Mongolia.

Good Luck Lads