Mongol Rally Day 12 - Speeding

"Just had first speeding fine on the road from Tabriz to Tehran"

Pondering a small 206 crammed with equipment, four bearded and bedraggled infidels trudging through Iran  is marvellous. The sight and odour that confronted the police could not have been pleasant whilst reprimanding the occupants. But the realization that the Iranian police were bearing down on them probably resulted in an impromptu change of underwear for the majority of the cars incumbents. I don't know the size of the fine but they can count themselves very fortunate not to be receiving at least fifty lashes apiece.......which is what I told my mother that they had been condemned to.... Unfortunately she turned a pallid grey and her legs turned jelly-like so I thought it wise to  hastily retract my statement as I don't think she really grasped the pun at all....Sorry Shirl.

Steve also said that, as with the Turks, that the locals are very friendly and that it is hot........very hot.

Iranian traffic police swoop on unsuspecting boy racers

Mongol Rally Day 11 - One Down : UPDATE

A tasty snack between meals

Just had phone call from S in Iran. It's 11:30pm, windy and 35 degrees but worryingly he said the car is playing up. He didn't say what was wrong with it probably because he knew he'd be wasting his breath giving me the technicalities. Fingers crossed it plods on or else they'll be back sooner than expected

Bad news received today:

"ECU f***** and they dont have 1.1 cars in Turkey one car left 4 men John gone home"

I haven't got a blind clue what the ECU is that was until a hasty google search revealed it's the Electronic Control Unit. I'm making a wild postulation that when this ECU goes tits-up it signifies car death?. With only one vehicle remaining, a multitude of equipment and supplies and five substantial travellers, an onerous decision had to be made as to who was going to have to return to Blighty. It seems that decision was made and Jonny is on his way back. I believe that he hasn't been feeling to well and has had a dicky stomach. I hope it wasn't my suggestion to devour the odd moth as a tasty nibble, as I do recall that the Macroglossum stellatarum or the Hummingbird Hawk Moth common in Turkey, does tend to leave one with a touch of acidosis which can in turn lead  to a chronic bout of gaseous flatulence. Joking apart Jonny was pivotal in setting up the rally and he can be proud of what he's achieved, and speak for all in hoping that the moths laid no eggs in his abdomen. 

What we're left with is a small peugeot 206 crammed with four hefty blokes sweating and wheezing in temperatures approaching 40 degrees in the land of the mad mullahs and with about 6500 miles to go.

Received this text while typing:


"I am in Iran"


I'm hoping that they are all in Iran ?

Mongol Rally Day 10

Just a basic update tonight as I'm knackered:

"having a relaxed drive heading for Iranian border, need to remove the beer from the car and put on long trousers"


Just what your want, long strides in 40c ish heat. And no ale !? this is a highly disturbing as it's ale that supplies the bulk of their five-a-day, what with apple cider, pear cider etc etc.

"our little babies just got over 6000ft mountain passes, its 38c and getting hotter"


and finally:

"at the Iran border"

Mongol Rally Day 8/9 - Asia, Food Poisoning UPDATE

 just crossed the bosphorus we r in asia .. japs log"

The five intrepid explorers have crossed the Bosphorus and set tyre and foot into Asia where the difficulties appear to already have begun:

"lost bit of ground yesterday due to food poisoning but all good now and on  our way to Giresun"

I'm not sure who actually got the food poisoning but suspect by the structure of the text I received it was Jonny a man who, judging by his substantial girth, enjoys the impromptu bite to eat. The video gives you some idea of what Turkish delicacy Mr Devaney may have consumed.

This type of nourishment might become very welcome when they reach places like Kazakhstan and Mongolia as the Egon Ronay rated restaurant may be few and far between in the monotonous and featureless steppes. So it is suggested that when they come upon any road-kill for instance  perhaps an extinguished Mongolian Gerbil or if they're lucky an injured Pallas Sand-grouse they pick it up and stockpile in preparation  for leaner times ahead. Another idea that came to me is to set up a light outside the tent while they are camping. This will encourage moths which would serve as a "tasty" little nibble between the raw road-kill. Enough of this:

Food poisioning claims
first victim

"stayed here (where ?) the might (n) got woken up at 4am with the ole call for prayer"

also:

"Dai is in driving miss daisy mode 2 day and tell the primordial dwarf * I got through the b country ok...japs log

*(this is most likely a reference to one Mr Shorty Barnett a respected pillar of the community and local bar-fly in Leamington Spa)

UPDATE:

" the lads enjoying their kebabs at the motorway services, I'm on dry biscuits"
also:
" ended up here for the night drove to 4500ft over a mountain range,through a 4km tunnel and along most of Turkey's black sea coast all in one day "


 The map shows them in Giresun where soon it looks like they'll be heading South East and for the Iranian border.

Mongol Rally Day 7 - First Breakdown,Mr Castle,Turkey

Texts and updates galore today as the the lads, invigorated after the dip in the Black Sea, head for the Bopsphorus crossing where they will bestow their particular and unique brand of culture to the unsuspecting folk of Asia. No doubt their arrival will bring the relative opulence of European hotels to an abrupt end and instead will trigger the use of the tent. One updated stated :

"roughed it for a night at a brand new 4 star hotel : on the road for Istanbul in and hour if we can leave the hotel pool side".


 However they evidently managed to manoeuvre their substantial torsos and hit the road again:

" through our first big border point on the road to Istanbul baby!"


Sometime between the poolside in Bulgaria and Turkey they were confronted by an abominable apparition. The text received (Steve) by me this morning also shocked me to the core. The text said :

Cabby The Turk (right) with Inky Wilson taking a
break from his hectic modelling schedule.

" just drove by Cabby's twin brother".

The question of Mr Castles' roots  has always been a bone of contention with many who know him so this  sighting  points to the likelihood of Ottoman blood which fits in well with his swarthy appearance and the  monstrous appendage he used to wear above his lip which many males of  Turkish/Bulgarian stock choose to sport.

Text updates I've just received sent while still in Bulgaria:

"first breakdown in Burgas Hungary (think this is probably in Bulgaria) fuel line on lead car kaput luckily our man in havana mr steve on the case...JAP'S log stardate 29711"

Then:


"all sorted jonny and steve fixed it now in turkey just crossed border no probs the land of atarturk Japs log"

So whilst Steve and Jonny the only two able to distinguish the bonnet from the boot amongst the five were toiling under an unforgiving sun, smothered in flies, sweating, stinking and oiled-up, what were the other three contributing. Perhaps they took the opportunity for a bit of personal grooming ? The removal of blackheads from their dishevelled faces?,  a nice manicure perhaps?, or if it was not to much of a burden they may have been congenial enough to hand one of the mechanics the odd spanner ?. The question of the roles of the five for the duration of the odyssey was raised before they left. Obviously from reading above and also very fortunately Steve and Jonny amongst other things were charged with mechanics. Others claimed responsibility for various alternative assignments. The best answer emerged when one of the  crew was  challenged as to what he could contribute to the team, his first-rate reply and answer that earned his place  was   ...........  BALLAST.

UPDATE:

"Staying n 5 star hotel supposed 2 b 220 euros go it 4 85 euros god knows what they think i have washed my smalls and they're hanging on the balcony turks are very friendly and helpful"  J.Pittaway

Washing his smalls ?....thought he was travelling "commando" perhaps the heat and hours on end on a car seat caused a particularly virulent case of  the dreaded "Hoddys  Hoop".......

Mongol Rally Day 6 - The Black Sea, Bulgaria.

" beware it's like death race 2000 in romania " also : "we are legging it to the border with Bulgaria heading to the black sea "

After being harried by lunatic lorry drivers and witnessing crashes galore, I'd expect our mongols will not be to sorry to leave the precarious  roads of Romania. The latest update on the map puts them in Ruse (Pyce) just over the river border and into Bulgaria where we are informed :

" we are all looking forward to a wash in the black sea "

A distraught Svetlana weeps, holiday in tatters

Now, consider the poor Bulgarian factory employee from the suburbs of Sofia working  twelve hours a day six days a week pulling a lever backwards and forwards for a pittance of a wage. What he works and saves for is  his annual weeks holiday with his wife and kids to some quaint Black Sea resort to forget the moil of every day life in Bumbeskus' Rivet Factory. He plants himself down with his wife on the beach his newspaper  underarm while the kids head for the sea with their car inner-tube. All of a sudden little Svetlana shrieks to her dad that there are miscreants bobbing about in the surf. On investigation the concerned father stumbles on a sight more depressing than his rivet machine at the factory. Five pasty Englishmen unshaven, unkempt, circled by a greasy film on the water washing their smalls with a packet of Daz. Naked and oblivious to the holidaymakers they wallow about like seals, grunting and splashing without a care in the world. Dad covers little Svetlana's eyes and explains that these heathens are from Britain and such behaviour is commonplace and to be expected, then rapidly gathers up his chattels, and moves his dismayed family a hundred yards further down the beach, his vacation in tatters.

I must make one correction the the above as I did write that they were "washing their smalls". I was informed before they set off on the rally by Mr Pittaway that he would be travelling "commando" so consequently he would just be cleaning his shorts.

One other update received from Dai :

"landed on our feet great hotel getting hot dai "

Remind me why they took tents ?

Mongol Rally Day 5 - Are you sure that's Colgate ? UPDATE

Mr Pittaway seems to have got things a little "arse about face" according to one of the updates received last night :

" stay nite jap (Mr Pittaway) uses itchy arse cream to clean teeth "

looks like this bloke used "arsepaste"  too

Now this is a bloody classic ! Apparently Mr Pittaway whilst fumbling for his regular brand of toothpaste contrived to select a tube of ANUSOL which he has obviously taken with him to soothe his festering piles, then applied the calming balsam to his brush without a care in the world and began the cleansing process. I'd wager that it didn't take to long before he grasped that the cream he'd selected was best served for an orifice lower on the body than the one he'd chosen....hope he'd  remembered to check the use by date.

" stuck in big que crash about 8 ambulances have gone part (past) looks like we will have to sit it out "



The latest update on the map puts them at Sebes in mid-Romania where according to Steve's text :

"worse drivers i've ever seen"


obviously Dai hasn't had a turn behind the wheel yet .

Last message:

" making slow progress today rough roads and local drivers are loons off to Count Draculas pad tonight -JD " (Jonny Devaney)


Just had phone call from Steve. He said never in his life has he seen such carnage on the road than in Romania. Seen 6 bad crashes all in one day most involving big lorries. Sooner they get out of Romania the better.

BE SAFE