Profile - Ammendment

The adjective waspish leads to a
 disgraceful threat of violence 

Ammendment


On Steve's profile I described his wife as; "an extremely waspish type". I would like to replace the term "waspish" with a less cutting word. I thought perhaps "lively" would be acceptable to his betrothed and I pray this amendment will spare me from a severe lambasting from the said spouse

KJM. 

Profiles - Irish Deliverance 2012

Name: James
Role:   Front line paddler, Diplomacy, Experienced Woodsman.
Age:    49 (will be when we start)
Born :  Coventry
Work:   Bricklayer, Diplomat, Singer.
Married: Nearly 
Drinking: Premiership although prone to nodding off late on.
Interests :  Dogging or Dog Walking (?) Mongol veteran

Name:  Steve
Role:   Front line paddler, Navigation, Repairs to anything that breaks
Age:    49 ( will be)
Born:   Leamington Spa
Work:  Jovial Landlord, Roofer
Married: Indeed, to an extremely waspish type
Drinking: Champions League. Landlord of Hope & Anchor, Likes the Woods 
Interests: Engines,Golf (ish), More engines, Mongol veteran, Women's underwear



Name: Big Dai
Role:  Front line paddler, Tipster, Erection of tents (he's been camping before).
Age:    50
Born:   Leamington Spa
Work:  Engineer (Or something in a factory ?)
Married: Divorced, Latest status subject to speculation
Drinking: Premiership, Tends to slyly slope off
Interests: Horse racing, Running, Bit of a concert goer, Raves, Mongol veteran
Note: Photograph cropped to avoid embarrassment to family








Name:  Paul ,Lone Wolf McQuade, The Chosen One
Role: Front line paddler, Seeker of ale, Sage, Entertainment
Age:   48 or 49
Born:   Leamington Spa probably
Work : Plumber
Married:  Yes, On about his 4th or 5th
Drinking:  Champions League, Miserable without ale
Interests:  Drinking, Weddings, Leamington Football Club, Cream Horns, Drinking, Mongol Veteran


Name:  Steph
Role: : Driving, Reconnaissance (Pubs) Could be roped in to paddle a mile or two
Age: 40 ish
Born:  Caerphilly, Wales
Work: No Idea, somewhere Birmingham way I think
Married: No, but newly courting, A bit of a Lothario,
Drinking : Premiership, Often seen propping up the "wood" when not skint
Interests:  Rugby Union (well he's Welsh) Women, Loving, Golf bunkers.



Name:  Shorty
Role:    Driving, Cooking, Sarcasm
Age:      50  
Born:     Leamington Spa
Work:   Roofer, House husband 
Married:  Yes to Elizabeth, Grandfather to many.
Drinking: Premiership, Highly caustic whilst intoxicated
Interests:  Sleeping, Sarcasm




Name: Kev

Role: Trailblazing canoeist, Photographer, Blogger, 
Age:  About 46
Born:  Leamington Spa
Work: Dedicated, Irreplaceable cutting edge delivery officer at Royal Mail
Married: Cruelly separated but hasn't cried for ages
Drinking: Premiership especially since being back "on the wrist"
Interests: Photography, Pure Mathematics, Quantum Physics, Archaeology, Computational Chemistry and Marbles.


Name: Jonny
Role:   Front line paddler, Organiser, Repairer,
Age:    Mid 40's
Born:  Leamington Spa
Work  Designs cars I believe, pity it wasn't boats
Married : Was, but now with partner and proud producer of young son
Drinking:  Division 1, although not 100% about this, May struggle to keep up with the top drinkers like Lone Wolf.
Interests:  Organising things, Concerts, Turkish hospitals, Mongol veteran.










These are the lads I know that are definitely on the ferry to Ireland, the finest body of athletes you could  wish to meet !?...... Anymore, and I think that is likely, and the profiles will follow assuming of course that I know 'em.

Irish Deliverance

On August 23rd 2012 an as yet unquantified number of intrepid souls will be embarking on a 350ish mile jaunt in Canadian canoes from the tip of Northern Ireland to the mouth of the River Shannon at Limerick. The main body of paddlers will be the team that gloriously completed the 2011 Mongol Rally which this blog attempted to document. The only experience of water-born activity for most is a gentle totter from the Leam Boat Centre  all the way to Newbold Comyn, an estimated total of about a mile and a half (if that !), and this by definitely one, maybe two of the Irish Deliverance team who were almost certainly inebriated. Also a few of the lads have done a bit of fishing apparently. Any monies raised are again being donated to Warwickshire and Northamptonshire Air Ambulance . "Extensive" training on the rowing machine has started for some but not for others. I myself have managed 10 whole minutes a day with Friday (forgot) Saturday (Shorty's 50th birthday, Rios' 21st and Warwick Races) and Sunday (Recovery from Saturday) earmarked as well earned rest days. I will endeavour to blog the events leading up to the main event such as meetings, training (A paddle to Stratford Upon Avon and back is "planned") and any other business leading upto the start. Profiles of  all the pioneers along with photos, as dodgy as I can find, will also be posted as and when I know who's foolish enough to be participating.                         

                                                                                                                                                                           

Mongol Rally-Homecoming

After sobbing his heart out and being branded a tightwad ,
 Lone Wolf returns to what he knows best:
DRINK.

" In the Red Rooster with Liam..happy days"

With the  arduous jaunt on the Trans Siberian  to Moscow seemingly taking a mental toll on our wanderers, (Steve rocking to and fro, ape like on his bunk) it was perhaps wisely decided to take to the air to reach their next destination : Wuppertal, Germany. The city of Wuppertal is the home of the Red Rooster bar which served as a local to Steve and others whilst working in Germany a few years ago. Twenty odd patrons of the Hope & Anchor me included,  made the pilgrimage to the RR two years ago during a weekend of revelry in celebration of Steve's impending nuptials . Perhaps not an establishment to impress someone on a first date, depending on the type of companion you are out to entice of course, it is a fine "working mens" bar where a good drink can be had. Lone Wolf however appears to have had some issues during his first visit:

" I James Arthur Pittaway would like to make the following statement as thus: Paul Bannan aka Lone Wolf is a tightwad who does not contribute toward his ale bill"

Normally not one shy of approaching the wood, it may be surmised that Lone Wolf's gorging of the manky cream horns in Siberia has failed to mollify ongoing complications with the snarts. Further evidence of his dismay can be predicted from the first part in this text:

"News Flash: Lone Wolf says no to beer but sees sense after rubbing his eyes"

The prospect of having an ale free day would have been hideous for The Chosen One, and seems to have had him openly blubbing in front of the lads. Mercifully he appears to have got a grip on himself just in time, wiped his eyes and put an end to this embarrassing episode.

The snarts seem to have claimed it's missing victim:

"After 10000 odd miles and all the strange food the eastern world had to offer, I have finally got the snarts following a McDonalds breakfast and Big Mac dinner" (Steve)

After dispatching snake, manky cheese, moths, and vodka galore, it is ironic that the fayre offered at McDonalds has penetrated the immune system and condemned Steve to the same unfortunate fate as his travelling companions, which I can confidently predict would have been the source of high gratification to one and all.

At the time of writing they are due back in the Hope & Anchor via Brugge in Belgium anytime now, if not already. Hats off to all five of them for raising over £7000 for the charities and of course the laughs and experiences they have had will be with them for the rest of their lives. A celebratory drink will be had in the pub on Saturday 3rd September which fortunately or perhaps unfortunately coincides with my 50th birthday where all are welcome and I shall also be having a little glass or two.

Only leaves to say :Thanks for reading and what am I going to write about now ?

Mongol Rally Day 32/33 - Snarting

The epic train journey to Moscow appears to be having some adverse affects on our team:

Lone Wolf finds the perfect accompaniment to rough vodka
in the cream horn, which impressively he can swallow whole.

"Been on train now for fifty hours and got fifty five to go. Should make Moscow Saturday pm. Bannan had Sh*** all night but now back on the vodka."

Nothing nature can throw at him will prevent Lone Wolf from the bottle. The man has the constitution of a wildebeest and must be pouring it in one end only to expel any nutrients that it supposedly contains at the other. This is not a subject that one really likes to discuss but as uttered in previous posts, the dreaded trots have been a bit of a quandary for the mongols. Although apparently not for all:

"Please let it be stated that so far I am the only member not to have snarted  myself during this rally"

This was a word unheard of by myself until now, however further investigation (click above link) revealed it's meaning which I must say is very apt. I myself, as undoubtedly most of you reading have snarted on the odd occasion and unlike my own mishap, hopefully not to far away from an establishment that enabled you to lustrate yourselves.

"Cabin fever has set in for your sibling (Steve). He is sat on the top bunk rocking to and fro. Lone Wolf eating mankey cream horns (?) to cure the snarts.

Now I don't profess to know to much about the medical profession, but nibbling cream horns whilst swigging Russian vodka will probably not really appease the malady mentioned above. In fact how on God's earth did he manage to find someone in Siberia selling cream horns ? There must have been a Tesco Metro nestled amidst the fir trees on the boundless Siberian tundra, cash point and all, self serve checkout complete with vacant employee "ready" to come your aid in case the machine bellows out "Incorrect item in shopping bag please wait for assistance": Spare a thought for Lone Wolf, stood there with two dozen cream horns, a crate of vodka and a soothing jar of Vaseline looking like a right pillock waiting for ten minutes until the assistant can be  arsed to sort the bloody thing out:

" Just passed through Novosibirsk, Siberia"

I trust they passed through Novosibirsk with Lone Wolf actually aboard the train and not still stood like a lemon at the self serve.

Mongol Rally Day 30/31 - Flying Thong.

Just a brief update today: They are currently rolling West toward Moscow. Dai's turn to have bowel problems and consequently is reported to have had to discard a pair of his favourite pulling thongs.

" on train on way home five days to Moscow, no food on train. We have four pot noodles and two bags of crisps between us".

Russian bruiser vows revenge after
being bombarded with silk thong
lobbed from train

Lone Wolf is still drinking for England and, like Dai, is still a tad flaccid down below. 

Problems may occur with the connecting train from Moscow to Cologne as it is scheduled to pass through Belarus which alas, they have no visas for. So if we here no more from our boys it can be assumed that they are guests of the Russian Government in Gulag Chukotka situated in the extreme North West of Russia where I believe it can get a bit nippy at night.

Mongol Rally Day 28/29 - Vodka Express

Our gallant foursome have chosen the dubious delights of Dave's Bar to celebrate the accomplishment of crossing the finish line in Ulaanbaatar. It appears that the imbibing of gargantuan amounts of vodka has led the practical joker to come to the fore. A message from James states:

"Dai and Steve make schoolboy error last night and gave me the key to their room. I went in turned the air con/heater up to 30 degrees, take battery out of the remote,close all windows, and shut the door. When they returned lashed, it was like sauna. Also Lone Wolf inebriated does belly dance on stage". JAPS log.

Before the rally kicked off a book was being run as to how much weight the five lads may loose during the trek. All those that had a wager on Dai or Steve to loose the most will read the above quote with contentment as James may have just earned them a bob or two.  Nevertheless the thought of the two unfortunate wretches of James' horseplay, lying buck naked, perspiring heavily and emitting wind from various orifices is not an image one should dwell upon. Lone Wolf too has been in a celebratory mood it seems. His ample girth seems to have held him in good stead as he is said to have performed some adroit dance choreography on the stage at what I assume was Dave's Bar. Anyone hapless enough to be sharing the stage with Lone Wolf whilst he was pirouetting may well have received a nasty clout due to his swinging paunch and would undoubtedly have been sent spiralling, legs akimbo, off  the stage. For those who put their money on Lone Wolf to loose the weight?.... well they may now have a glimmer of hope due to the exertions on his part..........or perhaps not.

Overcome with emotion, female disciples  in Russia of
Lone Wolf McQuade watch agog, as he gets tangled in heavy curtain

"1st stage done. Keep the blog going, getting the Vodka Express on Tuesday on route for Moscow. Lone Wolf sleep walking last night shouting for me (Jim) and Steve. He got tangled up in some heavy curtains and could not get out".

A long journey on the Trans-Siberian Express now awaits the four as they head for the Russian capital. Quite what any commuters boarding the morning train make of this primitive looking tribe of Westerners is anyone's guess. The network of villages, towns, and cities in Russia on route, will obviously be told in advance of the arrival of the legendary Lone Wolf ....The Enlightened One. I envisage garlands and tick-a-tape at many of these places as Lone Wolf and his entourage grace their home towns. Children will be thrust before him by adoring mothers in the hope of passing on some of his acumen. He'll perform christenings in rivers, speeches, and of course his belly dance. Unmarried females will frolic and giggle in the hope of catching his eye as they glimpse this infinite spirit for the first time. 

And all that the Chosen One will ask in return is ? ........ of course.......................Vodka.