Mongol Rally-Homecoming

After sobbing his heart out and being branded a tightwad ,
 Lone Wolf returns to what he knows best:
DRINK.

" In the Red Rooster with Liam..happy days"

With the  arduous jaunt on the Trans Siberian  to Moscow seemingly taking a mental toll on our wanderers, (Steve rocking to and fro, ape like on his bunk) it was perhaps wisely decided to take to the air to reach their next destination : Wuppertal, Germany. The city of Wuppertal is the home of the Red Rooster bar which served as a local to Steve and others whilst working in Germany a few years ago. Twenty odd patrons of the Hope & Anchor me included,  made the pilgrimage to the RR two years ago during a weekend of revelry in celebration of Steve's impending nuptials . Perhaps not an establishment to impress someone on a first date, depending on the type of companion you are out to entice of course, it is a fine "working mens" bar where a good drink can be had. Lone Wolf however appears to have had some issues during his first visit:

" I James Arthur Pittaway would like to make the following statement as thus: Paul Bannan aka Lone Wolf is a tightwad who does not contribute toward his ale bill"

Normally not one shy of approaching the wood, it may be surmised that Lone Wolf's gorging of the manky cream horns in Siberia has failed to mollify ongoing complications with the snarts. Further evidence of his dismay can be predicted from the first part in this text:

"News Flash: Lone Wolf says no to beer but sees sense after rubbing his eyes"

The prospect of having an ale free day would have been hideous for The Chosen One, and seems to have had him openly blubbing in front of the lads. Mercifully he appears to have got a grip on himself just in time, wiped his eyes and put an end to this embarrassing episode.

The snarts seem to have claimed it's missing victim:

"After 10000 odd miles and all the strange food the eastern world had to offer, I have finally got the snarts following a McDonalds breakfast and Big Mac dinner" (Steve)

After dispatching snake, manky cheese, moths, and vodka galore, it is ironic that the fayre offered at McDonalds has penetrated the immune system and condemned Steve to the same unfortunate fate as his travelling companions, which I can confidently predict would have been the source of high gratification to one and all.

At the time of writing they are due back in the Hope & Anchor via Brugge in Belgium anytime now, if not already. Hats off to all five of them for raising over £7000 for the charities and of course the laughs and experiences they have had will be with them for the rest of their lives. A celebratory drink will be had in the pub on Saturday 3rd September which fortunately or perhaps unfortunately coincides with my 50th birthday where all are welcome and I shall also be having a little glass or two.

Only leaves to say :Thanks for reading and what am I going to write about now ?

Mongol Rally Day 32/33 - Snarting

The epic train journey to Moscow appears to be having some adverse affects on our team:

Lone Wolf finds the perfect accompaniment to rough vodka
in the cream horn, which impressively he can swallow whole.

"Been on train now for fifty hours and got fifty five to go. Should make Moscow Saturday pm. Bannan had Sh*** all night but now back on the vodka."

Nothing nature can throw at him will prevent Lone Wolf from the bottle. The man has the constitution of a wildebeest and must be pouring it in one end only to expel any nutrients that it supposedly contains at the other. This is not a subject that one really likes to discuss but as uttered in previous posts, the dreaded trots have been a bit of a quandary for the mongols. Although apparently not for all:

"Please let it be stated that so far I am the only member not to have snarted  myself during this rally"

This was a word unheard of by myself until now, however further investigation (click above link) revealed it's meaning which I must say is very apt. I myself, as undoubtedly most of you reading have snarted on the odd occasion and unlike my own mishap, hopefully not to far away from an establishment that enabled you to lustrate yourselves.

"Cabin fever has set in for your sibling (Steve). He is sat on the top bunk rocking to and fro. Lone Wolf eating mankey cream horns (?) to cure the snarts.

Now I don't profess to know to much about the medical profession, but nibbling cream horns whilst swigging Russian vodka will probably not really appease the malady mentioned above. In fact how on God's earth did he manage to find someone in Siberia selling cream horns ? There must have been a Tesco Metro nestled amidst the fir trees on the boundless Siberian tundra, cash point and all, self serve checkout complete with vacant employee "ready" to come your aid in case the machine bellows out "Incorrect item in shopping bag please wait for assistance": Spare a thought for Lone Wolf, stood there with two dozen cream horns, a crate of vodka and a soothing jar of Vaseline looking like a right pillock waiting for ten minutes until the assistant can be  arsed to sort the bloody thing out:

" Just passed through Novosibirsk, Siberia"

I trust they passed through Novosibirsk with Lone Wolf actually aboard the train and not still stood like a lemon at the self serve.

Mongol Rally Day 30/31 - Flying Thong.

Just a brief update today: They are currently rolling West toward Moscow. Dai's turn to have bowel problems and consequently is reported to have had to discard a pair of his favourite pulling thongs.

" on train on way home five days to Moscow, no food on train. We have four pot noodles and two bags of crisps between us".

Russian bruiser vows revenge after
being bombarded with silk thong
lobbed from train

Lone Wolf is still drinking for England and, like Dai, is still a tad flaccid down below. 

Problems may occur with the connecting train from Moscow to Cologne as it is scheduled to pass through Belarus which alas, they have no visas for. So if we here no more from our boys it can be assumed that they are guests of the Russian Government in Gulag Chukotka situated in the extreme North West of Russia where I believe it can get a bit nippy at night.

Mongol Rally Day 28/29 - Vodka Express

Our gallant foursome have chosen the dubious delights of Dave's Bar to celebrate the accomplishment of crossing the finish line in Ulaanbaatar. It appears that the imbibing of gargantuan amounts of vodka has led the practical joker to come to the fore. A message from James states:

"Dai and Steve make schoolboy error last night and gave me the key to their room. I went in turned the air con/heater up to 30 degrees, take battery out of the remote,close all windows, and shut the door. When they returned lashed, it was like sauna. Also Lone Wolf inebriated does belly dance on stage". JAPS log.

Before the rally kicked off a book was being run as to how much weight the five lads may loose during the trek. All those that had a wager on Dai or Steve to loose the most will read the above quote with contentment as James may have just earned them a bob or two.  Nevertheless the thought of the two unfortunate wretches of James' horseplay, lying buck naked, perspiring heavily and emitting wind from various orifices is not an image one should dwell upon. Lone Wolf too has been in a celebratory mood it seems. His ample girth seems to have held him in good stead as he is said to have performed some adroit dance choreography on the stage at what I assume was Dave's Bar. Anyone hapless enough to be sharing the stage with Lone Wolf whilst he was pirouetting may well have received a nasty clout due to his swinging paunch and would undoubtedly have been sent spiralling, legs akimbo, off  the stage. For those who put their money on Lone Wolf to loose the weight?.... well they may now have a glimmer of hope due to the exertions on his part..........or perhaps not.

Overcome with emotion, female disciples  in Russia of
Lone Wolf McQuade watch agog, as he gets tangled in heavy curtain

"1st stage done. Keep the blog going, getting the Vodka Express on Tuesday on route for Moscow. Lone Wolf sleep walking last night shouting for me (Jim) and Steve. He got tangled up in some heavy curtains and could not get out".

A long journey on the Trans-Siberian Express now awaits the four as they head for the Russian capital. Quite what any commuters boarding the morning train make of this primitive looking tribe of Westerners is anyone's guess. The network of villages, towns, and cities in Russia on route, will obviously be told in advance of the arrival of the legendary Lone Wolf ....The Enlightened One. I envisage garlands and tick-a-tape at many of these places as Lone Wolf and his entourage grace their home towns. Children will be thrust before him by adoring mothers in the hope of passing on some of his acumen. He'll perform christenings in rivers, speeches, and of course his belly dance. Unmarried females will frolic and giggle in the hope of catching his eye as they glimpse this infinite spirit for the first time. 

And all that the Chosen One will ask in return is ? ........ of course.......................Vodka.

Mongol Rally Day 25,26,27 - Dave's Bar, Ulaanbatar

Peeved Iranian knife man of  bridging loan outrage
awaits arrival of team Gobi 1 Kenobi

"The Engish swine dishonour me"

On July 22 2011 five pale faced, freshly groomed Englishmen in two peugeot 206's left the comfort of the bar at the Hope & Anchor Leamington Spa, and set course for the vast expanse of Mongolia. On August 19th at approximately 13:25 hrs and 9935 miles down the road, a phone call confirmed that they had reached the finish line and were propping up the bar in Ulaanbaatar, tired, dishevelled and stinking, but extremely content in an environment that they are very familiar with. And a very thoughtfully named bar too...... Daves Bar....., not Odvals Yak Bar or Batukans Bistro but bloody Daves Bar.  Unfortunately during their epic drive, one of the travellers was forced to return due to illness and one of the cars going kaput. He'll doubtless never forget his rally and will look "fondly" when reminiscing about the needle he had crudely inserted at the Turkish hospital. He will be as happy as any that the other mongols have made it to the finish line. The remaining four have encountered knife wielding Iranian rednecks, suicidal Romanian boy racers, gun totting police, and a drunken porn reading German landlord. One black mark however was when the lads utterly disgraced themselves and indeed the nation in upsetting little Svetlana and her family on their annual beano to the coast of the Black Sea. I hope her nightmarish vision of the unclad miscreants bobbing up and down in the surf doesn't last to long.

 Morale always seemed to be high which was without doubt a lot to do with the antics of our friend Mr Bannan or as recently dubbed, Lone Wolf McQuade. They now face about a two week train journey on the Trans Siberian Express from Ulaanbaatar to Moscow and then a flight from the Russian capital to England. I no doubt will receive more updates during their journey West, and will type up my take on any I get, in fact I foresee a lot of drink may be imbibed on the train which will always lends itself to some quite interesting texts and phone calls.

It just remains to say Congratulations to all five of the lads and for the remaining four to get back safely.....where we'll have a glass or two to celebrate the achievement.

Mongol Rally Rally Day 23/24 - The Hills Have Eyes

Diplomatic relations back on track as Mr Pittaway
  irons out compromise

Communication difficulties in the Mongolian sticks resulted in no texts being sent by our team since Saturday. However a phone call received this evening from Mr Pittaway has revealed more revelations mainly involving our good friend Mr Bannan aka  Lone Wolf McQuade. The first incident however principally involves Jim whilst travelling on a balmy night in Northern Iran. It was decided that a petrol and food stop would be in order, so when they spotted a likely looking establishment where they might procure such items, they agreed on a bit of a break. When pulling into the services it was noted that there were some exceedingly disturbing  looking individuals stood outside a battered looking truck that were all glaring toward them. Possibly a family group as they had similar lumps and appendages, our team were, shall we say..on their guard as they saw what looked like the film set of "The Hills Have Eyes". While Jim was walking toward the service area a large male from the outfit proceeded to approach him wildly gesticulating and shouting...MONEY..! Diplomatic as ever Mr P retorted with an expletive followed by "NO MONEY". Unfortunately this seemed to agitate our disfigured yokel and he produced a curved knife and began to swing it around his substantial cranium. Now at this stage Jim probably thought that with hindsight, perhaps it was not quite the right thing to do to antagonise this chap. James understandably admits, in his own words, "I s***t myself"  thankfully not literally. It must be pointed out at this point that the four adventurers have all failed to get a razor any where near their hirsute chins during the rally and therefore must cut a rather barbarous looking band. Perhaps this is why the enraged Persian suddenly took stock and returned the blade into his pocket and embraced Jim like a long lost brother or camel. Perhaps he thought that our lads were fellow inter-breds  from the far north, this we can only speculate, but I'd wager that the fierce bearded appearance and Jim's unique mastery of diplomatics made him think again about trying obtain a bridging loan from him.

NOTE:

KATE IF YOUR READING THIS JAMES SAID HE NEVER TOLD YOU AT THE TIME AS HE DID NOT WANT YOU WORRYING AND HE WASN'T REALLY TERRIFIED, AND HE WOULD HAVE HAD HIM IF HE'D HAVE COME ONE STEP CLOSER....AND......, AND EVERYTHING  IS OK NOW  :-)

........................Hopefully the big fella didn't have a rethink and  follow them.

Viscous beast lays siege
to travellers camp

Now, one of these blog posts just wouldn't be the same without a little ditty pertaining to Lone Wolf (Mr Bannan). Sleeping in hotels has now long gone and the tent is now being utilised a lot more. Camping in absolutely stunning  mountain and desert scenery according to Jim, they pitched there tent next to a mountain stream where surprisingly they had a wash. Anyway they all settled down in their sleeping bags and slowly all began to nod off. During the night a blood curdling scream was heard from the tent of Mr Bannan. Startled and concerned about their safety someone asked him what was wrong? Clearly distressed and no doubt sobbing uncontrollably  Lone Wolf relayed the fact that there was something outside his tent. The first thought was it could be a yak or perhaps a wolverine, a notoriously ferocious animal which is abundant in Mongolia or perhaps even a ravenous, slavering  Asiatic black bear looking for a  human meal. I'm not sure who volunteered to peer out into the night but someone had to as they pondered this life or death struggle. Mr Bannan was in fact being "hunted" by what was almost certainly a "killer" Alashan Ground Squirrel not the most intimidating beast in the wilds of Mongolia I think you'd concur

Mongol Rally Day 22/23 - Lone Wolf McQuade

"Drove all night in the Altai Mountains,400km from Mong border"

Also:

" Made border in good time now they wont let us out till 9am Monday"

As our intrepid adventurers near Mongolia and ever nearer the elusive finish line, arguably the star of the show, Mr Bannan, is at it again:

" New name for Bannan is Lone Wolf McQuade. He has been chopping wood with Ruskies and now he's fishing with them in a string singlet"

Mystical nomad  Paul  Bannan aka
Lone Wolf McQuade,  forever etched  in
Russian folklore

Lone Wolf has spearheaded relations with all during this trip unhindered by the language barrier as he beguiles both locals and the rest of the team alike. Wielding an axe he set about attacking trees, fences and anything else in his path in aid of his Russian hosts. The unfortunate locals were no doubt scurrying for cover as Lone Wolf, Viking like, sent a conglomeration of shrapnel in all directions. On completion of his offensive on the wood, we then learn that he sets about obtaining the teams supper as he takes to the rod and line in an attempt to snag a fish. This is very typical of the hunter gatherer lifestyle that he has adopted during this trip. Quite why he was donning a string singlet is a mystery. In fact it's a mystery as to why he actually owns a string singlet. Perhaps he adapted it into a rudimentary net in case the rod and line proved unproductive. Locals must be highly impressed with this outlandish visitor as he carves his way forever into their memories. He will go down in folklore, and fathers will tell of  this mystical pilgrim from Britain who went by the name of.............. Lone Wolf McQuade.

"Been at the campsite 30 minutes and already drinking vodka with the locals who are sound. Will be here for 2 days"


Unsurprisingly after a heavy session on rough Russian vodka we learn:

"Lone Wolf  has crashed out, already steaming. He'll remember nothing of this jolly boys outing"

Known as a man who enjoys a glass or two, Lone Wolf seems to have been a little lightweight when taking on the Russians at drinking vodka although it has to be said that it is their national pastime. Compensation must be given however for the exertion he extended whilst swinging the axe about and can be forgiven for this hiccup. But rest assured.................Lone Wolf will no doubt rise again