Mongol Rally Day 18/19 - Blonde Moment

If one thing has emerged during the drive to Mongolia it's that Mr Bannan has thoroughly immersed himself into the spirit of the rally bringing his unique brand of humour and wit whether intentional or otherwise. His latest witticism  is thus:

"Got lost in Taldykorgan and Paul was ranting on saying that you would think that they would have put the bloody road signs in English".

Bannan to lodge formal complaint to Kazakhs
concerning "ridiculous" signs

With a bit of foresight before embarking on the trip, one of the team should have had the common decency to have entered  into intense negotiation with the Kazakh embassy in London. They perhaps then could have dispatched their UK diplomat to liaise with the appropriate department in Astana the Kazakh capital, and have all road-signs on the teams route changed so as not to offend our congenial plumber. Clad in an ill fitting Don Estelle type safari suit throughout the journey Mr B has suffered amongst other things, raging diarrhea, and some very dubious mishaps involving bed slats but plods on ranting but stiff upper-lipped as he stumbles for ever onward toward his goal........The man's a legend.

It seems that the distubances in various locations in England have spread far and wide and now reached Kazakhkstan:

"Scumbag throws brick through our rear window outside our hotel in Kounradskiy"

They seem to have survived the Kazakh hoodies as Japs log reads :

"Camping on the Kazakh Steppes tonight already tucked up. The stars are really brilliant and Paul had a blonde moment he rared up as the signs were in the Cyrillic alphabet and not English"

At last they seem to be using the tent.

They are now on probably the hardest leg of the journey. After leaving Kazakhstan they will "briefly" go into Russia and then onto Mongolia and the daunting Gobi Desert. Tonight they will sleep under the stars unpolluted by light and in the vast Asian outdoors. This is what it's all about, to be tucked up in a warm sleeping bag under a massive dark sky,drowsy and content...except that is  for  good old Mr Bannan floundering  into the blackness, Andrex and shovel in hand, off to do his ablutions still carping and bleeting about those bloody road-signs.

Distance travelled : 9027 miles

Mongol Rally Day 16/17 - Cordon Bleu Cuisine

It appears that at the Uzbek/Kazak border our lads seem to have had a spot of bother:

"Stuck at Uzbek/Kazakh borer missing papers"

All seems to have been deciphered as the next text reads:

"Shymkent, Kazakhstan. Pauls' iron constitution has broke today with a vengeance. Plenty of target practice but alas no hole in one" Japs Log.

What deals they did with the border officials I dread to think.

If you are familiar with the previous update you would have unfortunately gleaned that the ablutions in this particular area of the world are a tad primitive. Messrs Devaney (D) and Pittaway were struggling with their performance whilst attempting to exploit these facilities. We now hear that our Mr Bannan has developed a rather loose stool himself, in other words he has the trots. This comes as no surprise as he has consumed food and ale aplenty. Knowing Paul as I do, he would have taken great pleasure in the plight of Dai and Jim while they were taking on the hole in the ground. The boot now is firmly on the other foot and I have no doubt whatsoever that the other party members will take great pleasure in Mr Bannans misfortune.

Head waiter Nurzan prepares the evenings fayre

Talking to Steve on facebook last night I was informed of their trip to an Uzbek restaurant. Obviously with the language barrier and the menu being in the Cyrillic or azbuka writing system, our boys were flummoxed when it came to ordering their meals. In time honoured fashion  they shrugged and waved their arms at the waiter. He understood this global method of communication and recommended the chefs special. Lots of head nodding and smiles assured the waiter that he'd been correct in this assumption. Twenty minutes later a herd of delighted waiters emerged with the chosen fayre. The lads laughing and smiling, hankering for their food, grabbed the cutlery in anticipation of a good fill. The  air of joviality was perhaps a little premature as they inspected the contents of the dishes. One had a manky looking salad type affair in it, another a wedge of cheese never seen before in western civilisation and in the third dish, the piece de resistance ....... an emaciated snake.... I asked Steve for his analysis of the dish.... His reply:

"F****** rancid"

Love It !!

One text just received while typing:

" Just arrive at Taraz in Kazakhstan. Stopped for speeding again sweet talked my way out of it again. Bad flatulence  from Mr Bannan. In-car photo shoot in morning in mankinis. Had small problem with stampeding cattle on route"

If the locals see them sporting mankinis they may wish the cattle had stampeded over them, as they apparently don't take to kindly to Ali G type mirth. lol.

Mongol Rally Day 14/15 - Communication Problems/Yoga

Apparently no texts or updates could get through in Turkmenistan so they've made up for it today as they arrive in Uzbekistan, with texts akin to essays:

"Alright kev we had no signal in Turkmenistan. In Uzbekistan the potholes and ridges on roads were that bad in Turkmen you needed crampons" Japs Log

Another message from Japs log also points to some dodgy roads:

" Over 6000 miles we're having 2 lose weight in the car as the roads are a bit bumpy. Bannan sais we should ditch our Rough Guide books. This is sacrilege and akin 2 burning them it remids me of the brown shirts and Kristallnacht. He should have been around 70 yrs ago

The Mongols limber up before daily desert yoga

Mr Bannan seems amazingly to have eclipsed his previous indiscretions with this gem. Your in the middle of rural Turkmenistan a very mysterious country who's human rights record under the previous president Saparmurat Niyazov or Turkmenbassy, was worse only than North Korea, and our affable plumber wants to hoof the only guide pertaining to the etiquette and culture of the country out of the window to reduce the weight. A preferred idea to help alleviate the excess poundage, would be a  program of intensive exercise in the morning before they eat their moths. This should be immediately embarked upon by the four. A Japanese style yoga curriculum often seen outside factories and offices in Japan would not doubt suffice and would, in the intense heat, shed the blubber and therefore solve the problem. This would also conjure up highly satisfying thoughts for the reader of this blog as our undaunted four, ashen except for perhaps one tanned arm that was nearest the window, lumber around, in there Y-fronts in 40 degree heat.

"Had first breakdown in Iran in mountains in 47 degree heat. the worse roads iv'e ever seen in Turkmenistan. Car took a beating put large kink in roof. Stopped by Turkmen police and they wanted $100 because the car was dirty.....they got nothing".

Because the car was dirty ??. Now telling the police that they were not getting any money took some guts in my reckoning as I'd speculate that these particular "law" enforces were probably totting the odd firearm.

"Dave and Jim need more practice with the hole in the floor type toilets"

I don't really need, or in fact wish to, expand on the possible results of not getting your aim right in such circumstances.

Finally and encouragingly:

"All boys in very high spirits, very hard work but great fun"

...............and that is what it's all about..............................

Mongol Rally Day 13 - Unlucky for Jim / Follow Through

Splendid text just received from SM at 19:06

"Still in Iran Bojnord about 200k from border crossing tomorrow into Turkmenistan place called Ashgabat cars overheating but ok now. ps. late start today as jim followed through as about to leave hotel"

You just can't take that man anywhere.  "An Iranian delicacy is head of sheep soup. They love it but it’s as gooey as you might imagine it to be".

At a guess Mr P has sampled the head of sheep soup. However the sheep was presumably suffering from orf or to you and I pustular dermatitis, a particularly virulent condition that can be passed on to humans in the form of festering lesions on the hands. If it was a freshly slaughtered animal, killed in the Muslim tradition of halal, Jim may have become very fond of the beast before its demise and formed a personal attachment, understandable as it probably gets lonesome for a man out there. Now any nip or bite by the sheep would be enough for orf to be passed on. This would also lead to a loosening of the bowel which fits in with James' hapless symptoms a treat. Luckily Mr Bannan did have the foresight to pack a box of OMO which does work well on the stubborn stain.

Another text stated:

"Also paul the glutton bannan poked himself in the eye with cable tie and is unable to drive 4 a couple of days and his eyesight is not that good at the best of times"

These are trying times for our four trailblazers. With Paul visually impaired ,and Jim perched on a rubber ring and banned from touching anything in the car in case the orf spreads, It leaves Dai and Steve to plod on with the driving. Dai not the most confident of drivers and with a strange habit of driving with his extraordinary lengthy tongue protruding, and Steve whom has been cruelly depicted by some local Cornish folk as a "Jug Eared Brummie, the resident Iranians and Turkmen may be forgiven, on catching sight of the car, that Gerry Cottles' circus has trundled into town. 

KEEP GOING LADS WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

Mongol Rally Day 12 - Speeding

"Just had first speeding fine on the road from Tabriz to Tehran"

Pondering a small 206 crammed with equipment, four bearded and bedraggled infidels trudging through Iran  is marvellous. The sight and odour that confronted the police could not have been pleasant whilst reprimanding the occupants. But the realization that the Iranian police were bearing down on them probably resulted in an impromptu change of underwear for the majority of the cars incumbents. I don't know the size of the fine but they can count themselves very fortunate not to be receiving at least fifty lashes apiece.......which is what I told my mother that they had been condemned to.... Unfortunately she turned a pallid grey and her legs turned jelly-like so I thought it wise to  hastily retract my statement as I don't think she really grasped the pun at all....Sorry Shirl.

Steve also said that, as with the Turks, that the locals are very friendly and that it is hot........very hot.

Iranian traffic police swoop on unsuspecting boy racers

Mongol Rally Day 11 - One Down : UPDATE

A tasty snack between meals

Just had phone call from S in Iran. It's 11:30pm, windy and 35 degrees but worryingly he said the car is playing up. He didn't say what was wrong with it probably because he knew he'd be wasting his breath giving me the technicalities. Fingers crossed it plods on or else they'll be back sooner than expected

Bad news received today:

"ECU f***** and they dont have 1.1 cars in Turkey one car left 4 men John gone home"

I haven't got a blind clue what the ECU is that was until a hasty google search revealed it's the Electronic Control Unit. I'm making a wild postulation that when this ECU goes tits-up it signifies car death?. With only one vehicle remaining, a multitude of equipment and supplies and five substantial travellers, an onerous decision had to be made as to who was going to have to return to Blighty. It seems that decision was made and Jonny is on his way back. I believe that he hasn't been feeling to well and has had a dicky stomach. I hope it wasn't my suggestion to devour the odd moth as a tasty nibble, as I do recall that the Macroglossum stellatarum or the Hummingbird Hawk Moth common in Turkey, does tend to leave one with a touch of acidosis which can in turn lead  to a chronic bout of gaseous flatulence. Joking apart Jonny was pivotal in setting up the rally and he can be proud of what he's achieved, and speak for all in hoping that the moths laid no eggs in his abdomen. 

What we're left with is a small peugeot 206 crammed with four hefty blokes sweating and wheezing in temperatures approaching 40 degrees in the land of the mad mullahs and with about 6500 miles to go.

Received this text while typing:


"I am in Iran"


I'm hoping that they are all in Iran ?

Mongol Rally Day 10

Just a basic update tonight as I'm knackered:

"having a relaxed drive heading for Iranian border, need to remove the beer from the car and put on long trousers"


Just what your want, long strides in 40c ish heat. And no ale !? this is a highly disturbing as it's ale that supplies the bulk of their five-a-day, what with apple cider, pear cider etc etc.

"our little babies just got over 6000ft mountain passes, its 38c and getting hotter"


and finally:

"at the Iran border"